Dear Melizabeth ,

I'm reviewing your poem as a member of the WDC Angel Army.

I enjoyed the feel for this sentimental write with its nostalgic romance to be one with music again. It hesistatingly toys with the notion to linger with the idea of producing music again through repeated lines, like you don't want to leave the scene. That shows some psychology behind the write.

Let me suggest some things going somewhat line by line or section by section. Not necessarily suggesting stanzas, but natural breaks in text would make for a more appreciable read.

The opening to this very tight, long stanza begins:

I remember
the caress of the
notes flittering about
the air....

I think of the informal expression 'flittering' and thought why not fluttering, which is more vision invoked than the seldom used word. I would suggest remove some text to tighten, as the repeated 'the' slows a disconnected read, and maybe have it say...

"the caress of notes/fluttering about air/staggering..."

Perhaps, a new stanza starts as:

first awkward notes...

Then:

slow-coming;
the headaches of theory
clenching at my skull;
desire grasping now
to live each beat over again,
once again.

A stanza break, give reader pause to consider briefly before:

My fingers itch to introduce
that familiar, ethereal echo
into the world
just one last time... (good section)

But I must go-
I must leave;
I must continue on my way. (Dragging out for effect?)

White ivory, black as night, (this I question. Could say worn black? Unless expression, then needs work.)
worn wood smooth to (ivory not wood unless it's not, this confuses what's described. Change 'to' to 'from' at end?)
my gentle touch.... (some stanzas are needed, if we are pausing, hesitating over this scene.)

I turn off the light, ( 'Turn' a dull verb.)
leave the beauty
behind closed doors
in the room, now dark,
though the whispers of
yesterday's tune
follow eternally in memory
of that goodbye.

Here again, I suggest adding to line length, emphasis on good words to finish line while removing an extra 'the' here and there that are taking away from the beautiful words you chose and dull pace of read.

I think other questions unanswered here: why are we not diving into those keys? Rusty, reverence, fear? Why must leave? You can see desire to play, what's stopping it? Music theory headache??

This is a very good piece of writing that has promise with a little tuning up (pun intended).

Brian


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