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 Review #4535298 |
 | The Horror of Hollow Passage  [13+] a woman who has a terrifying experience on her way to work.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Greetings, Natalia Rodrigue! As a lover, reader, writer, and judge of horror, I thought this was good, especially for your first piece on here! I’ve read a lot cannibal stories, but I always enjoy a new twist. And having this ‘chef’ making meals of his own waitress was certainly a twist! Writing it in the first person was good choice (it makes it more personal), and your descriptions of the ugly and almost empty town and your meal at the 'meat pie restaurant were good. I'm not too sure about the ending though. I don't think the comment about being tired of your boss was really necessary since it downplays the terror and trauma you said you suffered from afterwards. The spelling and grammar were pretty good too, but I did spot a few tiny niggles (sorry to be so picky): 'That’s normal around here(,) believe it or not.' (“)No one else I’ve seen is in town so maybe he escaped an asylum? or is high off every drug in the book?(”) I thought to myself’ (instead of using quotation marks, you could just put this in italics—just a suggestion, either way works) ‘still keeping eye contact(,) giving me a better look at him’ “Must be the lard.” I told myself(,) continuously struggling to cut what I thought was beef’ There's a few words that should be capitalized (I's), but I think if you went back over this you’ll see them. Also, you might want to double space the paragraphs and put it in a little larger font (maybe 4?) since not everyone on here has 20/20 vision, myself included.   One final comment. You did a nice job of keeping the action moving, but it felt like there was more telling than showing. Here’s something that explains the difference if you’d care to check it out: ""Telling" Vs. "Showing" - Part 1" Otherwise, good job. Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for sharing this, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you’re going to love it here! PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course. PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
PSSS-If you want more exposure for your items you can put them on the Please Review Page or The Shameless Plug Page under Community on the left hand side.
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