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Review #4536110
Viewing a review of:
Autumn as a Child  [E]
Autumn as a Child at my Grandmothers.
by Shar ~ Happy 24th Birthday WdC
Review of Autumn as a Child  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Sharmelle,

I thought I would experience some of your writing tonight and do a review of your poem for my group, the WDC Angel Army. There's a lot of good content in this poem that is relatable to mothers or a family audience. I wonder if form constrains the expression you so richly reveal.

You call this poem free form but have a rhyming scheme. But I would reimagine this with words that shake out and tumble in expressions of those poignant moments. The poem could use a declarative statement to get it started. It's about the willow. You could say something like, 'I could only watch them, because I could not climb the willow.'

It's fun because you tease a reader into wondering, why is that? It could be a poem about how you wish you could do more with them. It could be about them gaining confidence, independence, the warm feeling of watching them discover or having fun on their own. All important for a child's development, as well as parent.

I also trim language when I write. Notice I said willow, instead of adding tree. It's descriptive enough, but if there is the need to repeat the object they climb, then you can say tree. Or have fun and describe it as large, viney mushroom or personify as a green, hairy, man of shade.

Alice in Wonderland is a theme being explored here this month. The girl in the story dreamed surreal things, like dreams often are. You could explore more with dreamlike thoughts and language. We adults can tap into child like imagination and wonder about how they see, interact with their world. Imagination is good. Your poems could be written for children, too.

Would like more descriptions with leave piles, with inventive leaps...like divers doing belly flops? I'd like to visualize that baseball game more. Maybe, a separate poem for another day on how it was played.

And you came up with a great description at the end: 'at an autumnly pace.' Yes, great way to soak in the last days of fall. That's a keeper. More expressions. That looked like it came from a writer inspired by the subject through the writing process.

Nice work!

Brian

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