Hello Luckie 🍀 !

This is your local and frolic like Sb here. Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- Ohhhh, Luckie, I'm excited! So, first impressions is that I'm excited because you are doing the showing vs. telling to start off this story. I saw you mention that the first piece I reviewed was one of your first items that you created here, so this definitely shows how you're improving as a writer as you continue to write. Keep this in mind, to get better you gotta keep at the writing!

Let me get into why I am so excited to start this off. You don't tell us that our main character is nervous. You show us by him having the beads of sweat and also being... pantless, which further heightens my curiousity. What is going on?? So, that first paragraph you have a strong start to this story.

Now, a tinker point, I do think we need a bit of backstory with this. I was a little thrown off... what is going on? So, I would say this is something that you could expand upon what's going on with this surgery and what is happening between these two characters. I felt like I was kind of put right into a moment that had already happened, but was currently happening if that makes sense. Just because this is a tense moment and I'm wondering, hey guys, how did you get here?

Characters in Your Story
You have the two characters: Hassan and Jedrick. You also have the officials and such that don't seem to have as much importance so I'll focus mainly on those too. With Hassan, I was wondering is he a friend? Or just someone meant to do the operation? Do they have a comrade status between each other? And Jedrick seems like a likable character, though strung along by these delegates it seems like to get this job done.


Plot / Setting / Concept

Plot: I was a little unsure to start off. I think this is something that can be fleshed out further. Now, let me tell you, your showing rather than telling is on point for this story. But, I'm unsure of the mission and urgency behind it. Though, the concept seems quite cool and unique with this world you've created.

Setting: Sci-fi, someplace, other world maybe? Is he a human, our main character? Is he something else entirely? What are these things that they're looking to defeat?

Concept: Cool concepts going on. Very unique universe you've seemed to create that I'm definitely interested in learning more about if you expand this out.

Things Which I Enjoyed
I loved the concept of this story and found it highly unique. You definitely had us with the character of not exactly knowing what is going on? We have the revelation at the end of the story when his memories come back to him. I think destroying a society this way is fun, funny, and a unique way to go about it. I would definitely love to see this expanded into more because I'm fascinated by it. You also did a great job of showing us a lot of the time too.

Overall Comments
Overall, there's a few things to play with if you wanted to with this story of yours. The concept is unique and original. You definitely did a great job showing us the situations and the characters response rather than telling us how he felt. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .