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Review #4544158
Viewing a review of:
  Marcus and Milly. Chapter two  [18+]
Their relationship moves on.
by Sumojo
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose - REOPE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

Introduction~
*NoteP*          Cadie here for assignment 2 in Building Emotion and Sensuality.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~
*NoteP*          This was an interesting story. The characters continued from the first assignment in their relationship.

Point of view~
*NoteP*          You did what the assignment said in that you switched character point of view.

Characterization and Dialogue~
*NoteP*          Your characters each told their side of the story of the date. Yet there's no emotion, what are your characters feeling? Yes you wrote Milly gives a smile of satisfaction, the corners of her eyes crinkle as she relaxes after a stressful day. He sees what her face reveals. Good job.
I say, “Look, I’ll stay for one drink, but then I’ll go home.” I stand on tiptoe and kiss him deeply. The feel of his body pressed to mine makes me nearly lose my resolve. Going for one drink that's a good way to end the evening. If she's really not wanting to stay, she should not have kissed him deeply. She should have wanted to keep her distance. If you rewrite

Showing vs. Telling~
*NoteP*          In this piece there is a lot of "I say." This story seems to be really rushed without the descriptions.
So, tonight we’re going on our six-month anniversary date. Where to? Yes, you guessed it. Panchos.Is he nervous about springing this date on her? Did they discuss going out? What are Milly's thoughts about going out after such a hard day?
Oh, my god, here she comes. What is his reaction to her walking in? Does he see she looks tired? Does she look refreshed from her hard day? Even after all this time, I can’t believe she agreed to go out with me. Why does he still not believe she's going out with him?


Technical Aspects~
*NoteP*          There are a few technical problems with this story. Most of them have to do with quotation marks missing and tenses that don't quite match within the sentence.
“That’s far enough Marcus, I say, sitting up quickly. I told you I wasn’t staying and you know what will happen if you don’t stop.” The quotation mark is missing after Marcus. Then before I when she sits up.

Conclusions~
*NoteP*          You have a good story. The characters are pushing their boundaries with each other, I think. I still don't see emotion between them. She wonders if he loves her or just lusts after her. He doesn't question whether or not she loves him even though she doesn't say anything about it. Keep trying you're getting there.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/17/2020 @ 9:26pm EDT
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