*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4549416
Review #4549416
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear Chibithulu (Alyssa) ,

I found your tanka on the review pages, recognizing a familiar writer here and thought I'd give it a gander.

Alliteration is noted and works well. I wrote a few tankas a month back, didn't get any feedback on them and stopped contributing to the forum which they were written for. Not sure if I missed something, so maybe your writing will teach me as I try to express what I experience from this.

Speaking just to expression and poetic tools at work. I've mentioned alliteration. I drew a bit of humor from this (into noses bit), intended or not. It doesn't lean into that, I think.
*Bullet* Progression is another thing. That first line sets the tone. 'Pollen flutters free.' Very visual, by the way. From there it goes up a nose and then miles away before we come to the fourth line.
*Bullet*I question, do tankas summarize like say a haiku? Because I think those lines could either be the opening lines or lines two and three. I understand form has to be followed over progression of thought. Just my initial reaction, for whatever it's worth.
*Bullet*I liked the last two lines as takeaway. This is where the writer comments on the visual, and it may be very appropriate to end with. Look at me, being all wishy-washy on how this reveals. But you have this dreamy pollen floating about looking for a seed, just as real life where one seeks dreams/loves. Further, acting haphazardly, much like life where we can take flight, but fate is not ours to determine. And, maybe not fully what the poet is going for, but what I can derive from this.
*Bullet*It's almost like I could separate the last two lines and put line four in spot two to imply the haphazard nature of the pollen. Ultimately, just about anyway you construct it, you can't go wrong, except you have to follow the tanka form, so...

I can't remember the syllable count or structural formation, but noted four syllables in line three which I think is not correct?

Okay, now that I'm done reading and responding to your poem like wayward pollen of thought, I can say it was a pleasure to consider. It gave me time to remind myself how pollen functions in nature.

Continued success to you and your writing,

Brian
Former Tanka Poet *Laugh*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/15/2020 @ 9:40pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4549416