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 Review #4549421 |
 | Dusk  [E] Looking out of a kitchen window for a moment.  |
| (4.5)| Hello! I have to say, Wow, so much imagery and great depictions in this raw poem with great potential. I was casually reading before the lyrical nature of this poem quickly appeared and helped me visualize what was going on with this presentation. I would, if I were with you in person, go over this poem line by line. I see places to revise, restructure a bit, and help focus and theme while knowing fully what the author has intended. I feel I'm a bit of a bystander just letting this wash over me and seeing clearly the images you portray. I'm also capture by some unique expressions. So, I will attempt to highlight good stuff and point out areas that I see that could use improvement. The trees arms and describing 'splintered fingers' was raw but beautifully started to set up this, to me, melancholy visualization being relayed from poet to reader. While you could restructure the phrasing a bit, I'm fully realizing at this point. This line, 'a jiggardly fro/ with its rick rack veins...' Awkward yes, but the lyrical, sing-songy feel I stumbled upon didn't rely on comprehending the full meaning of the words but the unique way a jazz player throws his fingers down at the keys of a piano. I wanted more of that. 'jiggardly' alone leaves me wondering, while rick rack (probably hyphenated) seems colloquial, and I needed more of that type of that language in the poem. Or, not at all, but captured with similar phrasing in a separate poem where you could be describing something even more animate. Whoa-ho! "...seen through a glass square eye..." I've never considered looking through a window with this in mind. We forget that it's framed, that the glass is all that allows us to visualize with the parts cut out. A cropped image, if you will. This is an expression you can hang your hat on, try to compare when you write. It's impossible to fill a poem chock full of expressions as worthy of this. Just know it is part of the framework, the diving rod for all imagery when you come up with something like this. Like that clever jazz player, play off of it. It's your touchstone. Have I gone on long enough? Okay, the not so good stuff that could use some help... I will go line by line, but quickly. Let's start out verse by verse.... The dusk grey sky is on the move  I like 'dusk grey' but I prefer it hyphenated to show how the words work together. -this dusty yellow night I think this is vague. Is it the horizon? Why is it dusty? questions I have that I can only fill with is it hazy, smoggy, dirt rising up from a road? Needed a little more to go on.the clouds, are departing quickly. Unusual separating that into two lines, which I assume was for emphasis. You can do better than 'departing' using clever descriptions. In fact, we using common names early on with scene setting. What do these clouds like similar to how you're going to describe the tree, for example.Trees of arms stretched. Splintered fingers reaching, unable to make a difference clouds pass every day 'Trees of arms' was awkward. As like clouds, do trees have to be named. Let's just saw you're looking at a canvas as an abstract artist. You are painting images with your interpretive instruct. You could just say arms, if you've already set the scene and we would either immediately know they are from trees, or we'd investigate a little as we read and learn.One mistake poets don't like to make is repeating words, as you've used clouds again and I think stretching another time. Have to flex the language muscles and find unique and creative ways to say the same thing without duplication. This night is different. Natures animation; a jiggardly fro with its rick rack veins spreading reaches, straining Fun verse. But the night is different was too plain. I think you have to reach deep down and find what it was about this experience that inspired the poet to share. And, try to avoid repeating words that are too on the nose like night. Poetic words like black, noir, ebon, etc. come to mind, but it is however you would associate this 'different' mood. Is it eerie? Like a calm before a storm? If a person were to examine what makes it different, it could be in us. It could be that something is missing?The downside of jiggardly is, while I see it as tree tops bouncing and the tree limbs after as veins are spreading, it doesn't connect fully as a visual image as displayed. They sound great together, but don't look great together. It's an opportunity to split them up. Go back up to description of branches and add the veins part. But, have fun like the jazz man and compliment jiggardly in one verse with a comparative images of motions, as well as the rick rack veins in the other verse with something. Should you break them up, rewrite. I'm just the messenger helping you re-envision something with pretty good potential and possible hone your writing craft along the way. Not saying I'm an expert or master, but been around the block and have read a poem or two, as well as wrote, in my time. The paper cut, black silhouettes of trees, move in unison -a declaration of chaotic harmony and unrest. Repeating trees. Too on the nose, like before. You're good at expressions and depictions. I like silhouettes. The paper cut to me was unclear. I like move in unison. Sometimes, with a storm whipping up, things in trees do separate but then come back to swirl in motion together. I can visualize this. Perhaps, working on your poem in a way structured by some progression. You can put these scenes in some congruent, orderly event playing out on paper/screen. A declaration of chaotic harmony and unrest is good, because you do get to summarize at the end as the author. This gets us inside your personal essay on the whole thing. The silent motion seen through a glass square eye is quiet, calm and almost welcome... I read this and had two thoughts at the outset. Must be some thick, double or triple paned glass if you can't hear what's going on outside, or headphones.  You do repeat redundantly  with silent and quiet. Great expression smack dab in the middle. I wonder if starting that last verse with that statement about the window described could roll you into a better ending. I think readers might wonder what they missed when they see 'almost welcome'. Did I miss some of the poet's emotional indicators and reactions to this scripted storm? If you want that, weave in words that could relate to feelings you want to express. Not sure you need to end on three periods. Maybe, you weren't sure at that point if you were done? Anyhow, a pleasure to read, consume and comment. Much to consider and inspiring to a reader to put this all together. Brian Circumpolar Reviewer Review Bomber    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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