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 Review #4569154 |
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| (4.0)| Hello Pesky Amanda A.K.A. LadyNazlia ,I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.   General Thoughts: It's getting to be that time of year where I want to read horror stories!  What I liked about this story is that you built Alana's character quite well with few words. She was interested in all the age appropriate things like whose Princess Elsa outfit was best and what the evil math teacher was doing. She seemed like a realistic little girl and that helped the reader see her as an innocent character, which makes them more sympathetic to her in the end.  Suggestions: The pacing is a little off. I know it's hard with so few words, but the "The rest of the school day was pretty normal" just seems like an afterthought. Like, how do we quickly get to the end of the school day, which makes it feel like the first half of the story wasn't really too important.I would suggest using more paragraph breaks to break the story up a bit visually, which might help the flow and pacing. I also think there's a better way to transition into the end of the day.  Conclusion: Overall, this was a cute little horror story. It reminded me of something that might be appropriate for kids Alana's age. I do think the structure of the paragraphs and pacing could use a little work. Thanks for sharing with us!Best, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/07/2020 @ 8:48pm EDT