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Review #4569179
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (4.5)
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Hello rolandeld,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away. *Wink*

*Icecream* General Thoughts: I'm just masochistic enough to torture myself with laundromat poetry. The trauma remains, though those days are behind me. *Laugh* Yes, the nightmares are coming back to me now.

You've got some strong lines in here. I dig the Spanish addition and the nostalgic imagery. I always think the same thing when I go to some rundown place- I bet this looked really nice when it was new. I also like the repeated counterclockwise/clockwise bit. It reminds me of the irritation of the laundromat. The owner of the one I used to go to would sit at a child's school desk, ya know, with the attached chair? And she'd refund people's quarters because the machines always ate them. But anyway, she would just sit there clicking a pen. click, click, click. It drove me nuts.

But it's cool that you ended it on an optimistic note. I definitely didn't mind the laundromat when I was five either.

*Icecreamb* Suggestions: I don't love the arrangement of words at the end:
a 2-inch gumball in his mouth with a sugary grin,
and someone at least finds their pleasure
at the laundromat.

I would change it to and someone at least at least someone finds their pleasure...

*Icecreamv* Conclusion: I've not read anything of yours before really, but this is definitely not a bad start. Maybe I'll read something that doesn't remind me of being poor sometime. *Laugh* Thanks for sharing your writing.

Best,

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/06/2020 @ 1:30am EDT
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