Hello lilurawinters! I am reviewing this story in behalf of The Talent Pond. This is also in conjunction with an assignment for a contest for WDC Bingo 20th birthday celebration.

My Thoughts: You are a new writer to this site. I can see that you have an interesting idea here, but there are some things you will need to work on to make this little tale succeed. You need a beginning, middle, and conclusion. Along the way there needs to be some conflict. Then, of course, people need to talk to each other. And that talking needs to sound natural.

My Suggestions: My suggestion would be to totally rework the spacing, spelling and punctuation on this. You have places where there are capital letters needed - at the beginning of sentences, at the beginning of dialogue for instance. There are many errors and I don't want to list them all in this review.

I would read this aloud. That's something I like to do. Does it sound legible when it is read aloud? If not, then reword it until it makes sense. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, as many times as it takes to get it right.

Good luck and Welcome to Writing.com!








My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .