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Review #4569535
Viewing a review of:
  “Look Away”  [E]
Between the "Little box" that runs our lives and the virus that keeps us apart....?
by Bpathos
Review of “Look Away”  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Bpathos ,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, " “Look Away”"   by Bpathos , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away. *Wink*

*Icecream* General Thoughts: Yes, go off! Love it. Not to get all political, but one of the funniest things to me is people who claim that they don't want the government or any other entity "up in their business" but they fill out facebook surveys that are essentially your failed password security questions i.e. what's your favorite color, mother's maiden name, town you grew up in. *Rolling* I'm like, yes, I can see you take your privacy VERY seriously.

You had some stellar lines in here too. alexiacon vocals it's super cool. I'd change it to alexacon vocals just for clarity's sake. I like all the sarcasm in this poem. It's nice.

*Icecreamb* Suggestions: Other than the suggestion I made above, the fifth stanza doesn't flow as well as the rest. It's the syllable count or something. There's an extra beat or a missing beat somewhere there. The last stanza isn't as strong as the opening stanzas. The idea of being controlled like a chess piece is played out and doesn't have the sting of lines like You turned you in. I think a stronger close would be where I'd focus in editing.

*Icecreamv* Conclusion: Overall, love the concept. I think it's something a lot of people need to hear and realize. Several of the lines are heavy hitters. The final stanza is weak by comparison. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Hit me up if you need anything.

Best,

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/22/2021 @ 3:18pm EDT
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