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 Review #4569784 |
 | A love AS deep as the ocean  [E] Unconditional love  |
| (3.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Hello Jamaican Queen ,I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "A love AS deep as the ocean" by Jamaican Queen , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.   General Thoughts: I think it's really sweeet that you've experienced a love so deep and unconditional that you chose to write a poem about it. I really liked the imagery in the opening lines because it reminded me of the ocean with the still, deep waters but wind blowing on the surface and soaring like a bird. The imagery worked really well for me there. Suggestions: Here are some things to think about if you choose to edit: A love so deep like the oceanStood still As the wind blows I think the first line would be better written as "A love AS deep as the ocean" because it sounds more in line with the way someone would naturally speak. In addition to that, there is a verb tense change between stood (past tense) and blows (present tense). I'd choose one or the other there. As the poem goes on, you lose your imagery and metaphors. In the beginning, you were building a strong story around metaphors of ocean and ocean-like things. Toward the middle and end of the story, you're no longer building that story or using any imagery at all, so it makes the beginning seem out of place and disconnected from the end. One of the most difficult parts of romantic poetry is trying to have impactful, unique ideas. Toward the end of the poem, it started getting a little bit cliched. It's just a little too simple and straightforward, I think. "I love you, you love me" sounds like that Knick Knack Paddy Whack child's rhyme. Conclusion: Overall, I think the thought and emotion behind this poem is really sweet. I think you could enhance the poetic devices used to continue the imagery from the beginning of the poem into the end, and I think doing that will create a more unique, lasting impression for the poem. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.Best, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/07/2020 @ 10:48pm EDT