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 Review #4570175 |
 | Slumber Party Murderer  [13+] I wrote this story quite a fer years ago about me and my friends...  |
| (3.5)  Greetings, JubeCube ~ official homeowner!! I discovered this piece in Random Reviews and decided a slumber party murder might be an interesting read!  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.What I Liked  Tension adds curiosity to the story, so you hooked me right away as Emily walked home, hearing the Pat. Pat. Pat. Pat. Pat. Scary! I love the slumber party theme for the murders! You did a good job with the imagery of the girls screaming. I have two daughters who are all grown up now, but when they were younger and lived at home, they had slumber parties once in a while. I definitely connected with your slumber party, minus the murders, of course.  Suggestions to Consider There are lots of names! Perhaps leave off the sir names of Emily's friends since they aren't relevant. I also noticed some of her friends' names were similar to each other, like Katherine, Kathlene, and Cathleen. This can be confusing. You could name one Kat and call another Cathy, for instance. Paragraph 8: “Dunno lets go have a look.” Alana replied.  “Dunno. Let's go have a look,” Alana replied. I added a period after the first word, then added an apostrophe to lets because it's a contraction. I also replaced the period after the word look. *amaile* Paragraph 12: “Kayla what’s on your nightshirt?” “Kayla, what’s on your nightshirt?” Use a comma when addressing someone.  Paragraph 27: I lent on the bench I leaned on the bench  There are a few other typos, but nothing huge. I also noticed on some of your dialogue tags that you capped She said so you might consider fixing those, too. I'd be happy to rerate this if you decide to polish is up a bit. Final Thoughts I just noticed that you wrote this 13 years ago! Wow! I have no doubt if you go through this now, you will pick up on what I've suggested, then edit this and contact me to re-review it. It definitely has potential and I can see teen girls reading it for a scare!Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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