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Hey, hello again! I'm really excited to get to review this. I think the writing and mood and personality are all great. It drew me in immediately—grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Nicely done!

I had it in my head that this was the opening chapter of a novel. Maybe because I read your main portfolio page where it said you're writing a book. That, and it just had that feel, you know? The opening, specifically, gave me that feeling, but it carried through because there's so much that hooks me and makes me want to know more about Eileen.

Right now, the bits of her physical description—and that shadow ability—make me want to know what all that is a bout. The metal arm definitely makes me want to know the story behind that, as well. And what you have in this item is just enough if this is a first chapter.

If it's a short story, then I'm going to assume it's featuring a character from a novel where we do get to know about all these things.

And it was once I finished reading that I started wondering if I was wrong about it being an opening chapter. I'm going to break my thoughts into two, here, staring with:


If this is the opening chapter of a novel

As a first chapter, the only “hook” I have is Eileen herself—well, and that personality-rich narrative voice, which I enjoyed immensely.

I do wonder what the story is behind the guy with the bottle in his neck, but I didn't get the impression that whatever that was would be the plot. And I'm not sure why the bartender had to die, but I was all onboard with the shock value of it.

And you did make me wonder about “Cody”--who/what he is and how he's tied in.

All of that first scene, until the break right after she leaves the bar, screams, “laying down hooks for a novel.”

The problem is, from the time the boy shows up at her door, all that build-up is forgotten, overshadowed (Ha! Pun!) by this new mission. So if this is an opening chapter, it'd be good to have little reminders through the rest—a stray thought about who might find the bodies in the bar and if they'd care/what they'd do. Another stray thought concerning this mysterious Cody figure, maybe. That kind of thing, just to pull that stuff into the rest so that we don't forget that there's something bigger at work than just this trip to the orphanage.


If this is a short story

Then it might be a good idea to cut down on the info in the opening scene. The point of it would be to see what the boy witnessed, since it looks like it'd mean that this story is revolving around the boy. And that would call for a simplified scene.

But I just don't feel like this is a short story, not really. Aside from all that info, there's also the mystery of what's going on with the orphanage headmaster and why Thomas was sleeping where he was—and why he didn't want to go inside. Having all these mysteries again points toward “opening chapter.”

If this is an opening chapter, then I suggest changing the sub type on your item. You do that on the “edit” page, which you get to by clicking on the gear icon at the top right corner of the item. Right underneath the main text box, there's a drop-box that currently reads “Short Story.” Click on that and you'll see that one of the options there is “Chapter.”

You could also drive it home by mentioning it's the first chapter in the item description or even in a note at the top of the main text.

Hey, speaking of that short description, it mentions that being a marshal is rough, but there's only one marshal mentioned and life can't be too rough on him if he's taking those long naps. This could be another clue that this is, indeed, a chapter, though; perhaps you mean the description as if it's a description of the entire novel and it's foreshadowing that Eileen will be the marshal soon? Hmm.

And let's not forget the title shot! I feel like there's potential there for finding out that the burrowing that got the boy to bring her out there isn't “just a snake.”

Maybe it's just that I want this to be the opening of a novel, badly.

Enough. Let's get our hands dirty with some short excerpts:


“Ma’am?”



The scruffy, bushy browed bartender poked
         See those extra blank lines after that “Ma'am?”? Looks like a scene break, so I'm thinking it's probably a formatting mistake.
         Also, look up “compound adjectives.” They need a hyphen and you have one here: bushy-browed
         And I just love these opening images so much—the bartender poking her and the narration stating that he shouldn't care what she did and him saying she's bleeding all over the counter. This is how we find out she's bleeding, and then him complaining about the body is how we find out about the body. It's just very entertaining progression, characterization, and scene-setting all in one. Excellently done!

swirling her drink in it’s glass,
         Wups! An apostrophe snuck in where it shouldn't be: in its glass

“Did you think about what you’re gonna tell Cody?”
         From here until when she shoots him confused me—still confuses me. For one, up until here, it seemed like they didn't know each other. That she lived here and that he didn't know her made me think it must be a city or big town, but later we find out it's the only tavern, right? And we find out in this confusing section that they do, indeed, know one another. Makes it weird that the narration never uses his name; even calls him “nameless” at one point. Maybe that means he just goes by “Bartender”? If that's true, though, it's still confusing.
         Anyway, that all made this line read like a slipped gear. And, at this point, I'm wondering what the question is referring to. On my first reading, I thought she was referring to some mysterious thing the bartender had been intending to talk to this mysterious Cody about at some point before tonight—once I caught up and reread and finally realized that these two knew each other before this scene. It's the wording of the question that does that.
         On this read-through, though, I wonder if she's talking directly about what the bartender intends to tell this Cody about the body and how said body came to be dead. If that was the case, though, I'd be more on track if she asked something like, “What're you going to tell Cody?”
         Oh, but I do love the way the narration mirrors the way she talks. And I love that she uses “Cher.” I live in southeast Texas and work in Louisiana pretty regularly, so I hear that quite a bit.

He ain’t like that— we ain’t like that,”
         And of course that makes me want to know what Cody's like—and what Warlords are like, what their organization is like—all that. Great hook!
         That comma at the end should be a period, though.

But here’s what ya’ll didn’t understand—
         And that apostrophe jumped to the wrong place: y'all
         Okay, so did she shoot him because....no, I can't even finish, because I have no idea why she shot him. Again, it was great for the shock factor and I was totally sold on her conviction; I just wish I either had a hint as to what her reasoning was—or else had a hint that I'm supposed to be confused about her motive at this point. That would be like an assurance that I'll get to know more when you're ready for me to know more.

20 Garlands was 20 Garlands.
         Any number that's a hundred or under should be spelled out—as should any number that begins or ends a sentence (save for a few exceptions like years): Twenty Garlands was twenty Garlands.
         (Hey, wait, was she paid to off him?)

“Go back to McHolland, kiddo.”
         I would love to have a phrase or something here somewhere to let me know that McHolland is the orphanage. On first read, I thought she was referring to the next town over or something and wondered how the heck she knew he was from there. Then, later, when the narration asks if the kid could be from McHolland's orphanage it seemed to come out of nowhere because I had totally forgotten the name. If I had some little clue, right here, what was what, then the that question the narration asks later would make perfect sense, too

hopefully they’d scar over and she could use it to maintain her intimidating aura.
          I love how this ties into her personality, this hoping it scars.

It was almost dawn.
         Hey, look out for your times when you revise. It's three a.m. a lot, even after it's apparent some solid time has passed. In a few paragraphs it says she killed a man “not twenty minutes ago.”
         If that was cleared up, then I'd take this “It was almost dawn” to mean either time is measured in another way on this planet or that she's near one of its poles at summertime.

Her heart lurched.
         I love that this cold-blooded killer has a soft spot for kids, that she even insisted on the stipulation that the orphanage be a good one.

next to the steps to the back door, was a few flat boards,
         This makes it sound like these boards are laid on the ground. Maybe just a touch more description to pain this picture?
         And yeah! I so wanted to know what the story here was—why the hell the kid is out there like this. And that doubled when he acted the way he did about her confronting James about it.

He’d drown in the dust if this thing wasn’t up on a hill…
         Hey, watch out for your ellipsis points when you revise. Like, this one isn't a trailing off; it's a complete sentence. And even if it weren't having a lot of the narration's sentences trail off gets distracting.
         I am also very curious about those generators, in a wanting-to-know-more-about-the-world kind of way. That they kick up dust like they do creates a wonderful image and world-building.

Well—not a monster, by any means.
         And oh! I hope you let us know what it is at some point. It's worth the title shot, so it's gotta be something!
         I'm wondering, too: okay, so, if that's under the generators, I'm assuming she can hear it because of that super hearing she mentioned. So how did the kid hear it? I had thought at first that all she'd hear was the generators, and maybe this kid didn't know anything about them and so that was what he was talking about.

and a biting chill wafted through the bottom floor.
         You know, this mention of this chill made me realize I'm not sure of the weather outside at all. I know she has her weighted poncho, but if it's cold out, then I'd think she'd have a thought for how little the kid's wearing—and there'd probably be other clues to the temperature, too.
         Ahh, it also occurred to me, finally, that the kid's fear might actually be for McHolland. He saw her kill two men tonight already, after all. (Also, now I'm wondering how the kid knew to find her where he found her—how he knew to seek her out at all. And just because I wonder doesn't mean I think you gotta tell me or anything; I just want to know you made me wonder, to confirm that I did if you did it on purpose.)


I really enjoyed this! The title made me curious enough to click on it on the Please Review page back when it was an In & Out, and reading a few paragraphs let me know immediately I wanted to read more of it and babble about review it.

The narrative voice and style works perfectly with Eileen's personality and I like how it makes it feel like we're even deeper in her POV.

I love all the little mysteries for piquing my curiosity. I would like to have a better hint as to what direction this novel is going by the time we reach the end of this chapter, but I'd've turned the page regardless just to hang out with Eileen some more.

See how I just can't see this any other way than as an opening chapter?

And hey, look, I know I'm long-winded as hell, but I feel like I'm cheating us both if I'm not thorough. I am awful at proofreading, and especially awful at proofreading my reviews, so if any of this is confusing—even if it's not a proofreading problem—please let me know. I'll try to clarify. Maybe even without babbling.

And let me know if I failed to go over anything that you were particularly hoping someone would bring up. Also, I hope the review is helpful, but if it's not, feel free to delete it and never think on it again.

In any case, it was a pleasure to read your work and have a chance to discuss it. Thank you for that.

Chy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .