Hi dragonwoman ,

I am here with a review as part of "Invalid Item" , where we have to review a story in the Fantasy genre.

First impression:

This is a nice twist/addition to the Wizard of Oz, while still keeping it in the tradition of the story.

General impressions:

This is actually the first time I have ever come across a Wizard of Oz fanfic, and I like what you have done with it. Your flash piece gives a little insight into why the Wizard of Oz is the way he is, but it is still something that is plausible.

When I first watched The Wizard of Oz when I was about seven or eight, I couldn't figure out what role the Wizard actually played. He seemed completely superfluous to the plot. After all, the Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man already had the thing they wanted most, and Dorothy was simply handed the Wicked Witch of the East's ruby slippers to get home.

Far too often, titular characters end up being completely or largely irrelevant. As part of the reading process, the reader must be able suspend their disbelief. After all, if we can't accept flying monkeys and poisonous poppy fields as part of the narrative (although we know they are fictional), then we can't enjoy the story. But how do you suspend disbelief over a near-pointless titular character?

Oz reminds me of Gileroy Lockhart from the second Harry Potter book. Full of boasting and swagger, talking the talk, but you wonder if he can walk the walk. Lockhart in the end is exposed as having taken credit for achievements of others, and part of me wonders if that is how Oz became so renowned.

I like the alliterative name you have given your wizard. It fits with both real magicians and fictional ones (many of the wizards mentioned in Harry Potter have alliterative names).

Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

“The green is very soothing, I must say,” the man commented to himself.
“The green is very soothing, I must say,” the man said to himself.
You should always use the word said in prose. Said becomes invisible to the reader and so doesn't affect the flow of reading. Whenever a synonym is used, it only serves to trip up the reader.

“Marvelous Melnish, at your service,” the time travelling magician said with a bow at the curtain.
“Marvelous Melnish, at your service.” The time travelling magician bowed at the curtain.
You don't need to do this, it is a just a personal preference, but try to have speech and actions tags as separate sentences, rather than adding an action to the end of a speech tag. It helps with the flow of the story, and it can also help keep the word count down if there is a word count limit.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university