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Review #4582629
Viewing a review of:
 Light and Dust - Part Three  [18+]
Chapters Six and Seven of a police procedural novel set in Cardiff, UK
by Simon Dickerson
Review by Past Member 'blimprider'
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*LeafO*  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *LeafO*


         Good day to you, Simon, and I hope it finds you well. According to my handy-dandy converter, it must be around 8:30 PM where you are, so hopefully this will make a nice evening read for you. We've been through the template and you know what I look for, so I'll just jump right in.

         First and foremost, I'm still loving this. The dialogue is crisp and informative, the flow keeps a reader on edge as each lead peters out, but suggests another. The subtle effect of the victim's appearance on Shaw throws a concern into the mix concerning whether it's going to adversely affect his judgement down the road.
         Let me commend you on the way brief, isolated details combine to give the story a "lived-in" feeling, like these are real people working their way through real lives. No one is laser-focused on the case, because so much more is going on around them. This is the way life is for real people, and it belongs in a story of this nature.
         Even Shaw's decision to end his career climb speaks to me. I spent my career working for the U.S. Navy, first in it, then attached as a civilian employee. I landed in my dream job in 1991, and stayed in it until I retired in 2016. In those 25 years I could have promoted several times and made a lot more money, but I made enough, and I got to set my own hours, establish my own parameters, and I was doing meaningful work as the safety, fire, and environmental inspector for a big air station's fuel facilities. I would have had to trade job satisfaction for money, and I never seriously considered it; I understand Shaw completely.

         Okay, so what little things did I find that need a bit of work?
         Nightbird. This appears in the first scene, and it meant nothing to me. Thought it might be a name or nickname, so I went back and scanned Part 2, but couldn't find it. Maybe I missed it in my haste, but I moved on. Is this a character, or maybe British police slang for a program that correlates data? Of course, if it's just something I missed, that's on me, but make sure the reader is aware of what this is.
         There is an orphan quotation mark at the end of the passage that ends Detective Constable Vinny Ryan had received a suspended sentence and dismissal without rights.’ I do this all the time. Proofread, proofread, proofread!
         I still feel the time is terribly compressed, and I know you said you'd recalibrate this when you're finished, but I just want to remind you not to skimp on this aspect. We've had the task force meeting, drives have been taken, families notified, witnesses questioned, and they're still speculating about what happened to the victim "last night," implying that this is still the first day of the investigation. My opinion; cops only move that fast when they're driving. Storyboarding on a white board or index cards may help visualize this.

         Bottom line: this is still the bomb, and I hope you can maintain this level of quality right through to the end. This gritty, engrossing story deserves an ending that leaves the reader shaken and uncertain, and I wish you the best of good fortune bringing it home.

Have fun and keep safe,
~ Jack

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   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 11/17/2020 @ 3:05am EST
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