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 Review #4591786 |
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| (4.0)| Greetings, PrudhviRaj12, I am reviewing this today per your request.   First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. Visually appealing Easy to understand Plot / Internal Conflict / Goal: Leia Woenita heads for the lake where she scatters her mother's ashes (and eyeball.) It had been said that the wisdom and vile of Gwanita’s great grandmother's soul was in the lake and she would help in times of need. Gwanita was Leia's mother's only friend. Leia is nervous as she hears noises while respecting her mother's wishes. And the lake whispers... Characters: Leia and the whispering lake Dialogue: Yes, a good balance.  Setting: The whispering lake with nearby trees Technicalities: Paragraph 2: "I...honestly...don't know what to call you...", Leia leaned over the trunk of the tree. You might consider omitting the comma after the quotation mark, as there is no dialogue tag afterwards. The comma otherwise would be inserted inside the quotation if you decided to add a dialogue tag. So you could either write "I...honestly...don't know what to call you...." Leia leaned over the trunk of the tree. or "I...honestly...don't know what to call you...," Leia said as she leaned over the trunk of the tree. I noticed you also use the comma after the quotation in a few other places, too.  Paragraph 3: It was pitch dark - twenty-three year old Leia had always been a brave woman. Instead of the dash, you might consider replacing it with either a semi-colon or an em dash {emdash}. Example: It was pitch dark; twenty-three year old Leia had always been a brave woman. or It was pitch dark—twenty-three year old Leia had always been a brave woman. There are a few other areas in your story that you might consider using this em dash. Also in this paragraph: it filled her two eyes with you might think about omitting two or saying both her eyes as you repeat the word two in the next sentence. Just a suggestion, however. Paragraph 6: she took a deep breath should begin with a capital s as it is a separate sentence from the dialogue. Same thing goes for she broke into tears. Just remember that if there is a dialogue tag, to use a comma, but if there is no dialogue tag, the words following become its own independent sentence. You'll want to go through and catch any other areas that might need this same correction.  Favorites: I really liked the visual in Paragraph 16: As a child, she would imagine that the lake would form a mouth shape while talking. I could imagine this quite well and it's hard to forget. You had other good visuals, too, such as the dumping of her mother's ashes (including the eyeball) and the tree with the openings, and so on, but this one really stuck with me.  Final thoughts: This is a good story, one that leaves the reader with chills. I'd like to recommend eliminating some of your dashes and ellipses, as there are several. You could replace some of them with semi-colons or a conjunction (and, or but, etc.), if in fact you agree. It's only a recommendation on my part. Your ending intrigued me with the names scratched on the tree.Best of luck in the contest! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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