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 Review #4599509 |
 | Sidney Hollis Artebury  [18+] A veteran with PTSD must adjust to civilian life after losing his entire squad.  |
| (5.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Rehtaeh Daens , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Everything is precise and crisp, and laid out as it should be. Even your use of italics is just as it should be. There are a couple of improvements (IMO) that you could make, and I'll outline them here.First, as a matter of personal preference, I like my paragraphs indented. I'll hasten to add that double-spacing paragraphs is a well-accepted technique her on WdC, but indentations look more professional; I've never seen a professionally published book without them. Indent by placing the command {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. There is a shortcut button at the top of the creation box to place that wherever the cursor is. Second, I'm told that the default font is Arial, but I only half-jokingly call it Times New Eyestrain, as at the age of 72, I often have to stack two pairs of reading glasses to make it hold still. There are many ways to tweak the text, but you can improve this issue considerably by putting the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of your text. As I say, there are many tweaks; this review, for example, is in size 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 linespace. Don't worry, though. I see this is your first day here, and you'll pick up these tricks as you go. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. From the first word, we are placed into Sidney's internal narrative, and are pulled deeper and deeper into his waking nightmare until the final denouement. Your bio says you are a degree student in creative writing, and it is obvious that you are learning your lessons well. This is how stories are supposed to be written!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. This is completely brilliant from start to finish. The only tiny issue I see is in your em-dashes. Some are a "real" em-dash, and others are constructed with two hyphens. This leads me to think that this was originally written on Word or a similar program, and transferred over. You can quite easily place an em-dash in your WdC text by typing {emdash} which yields —. Other than that one thing, editing and proofreading are perfect, and I'm not about to mar your rating over that tiny issue. Well done!CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? There is really only one character in this narrative, Sidney. We take brief excursions from his viewpoint to see how his affliction is affecting those around him, and that aspect precludes a first-person, but this is very much one man's story. Beautiful.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Settings can, of course, be presented in various ways, from a subtle hint to a gross pounding of the reader. This leans toward the latter end of the scale, which I normally don't favor, but we feel the coarse sand, taste the blood, feel lives slipping away beneath our inadequate fingers. We experience his caged animal feelings in the aftermath, the agony of being left alive when every friend he had was taken in a moment of unfathomable horror, and his desperate attempts to deal with it on his own, and your settings and descriptions serve to draw us deep into his tortured world. Reading this, I assumed that you were a veteran. I'm not going to ask you that; if you wanted it known, it would be in your bio, but if you aren't, you have a singular gift for capturing place, and its effects on those caught up in it.SUMMARY: This is review #519 for me, and I have in my years of writing these critiques seen two, maybe three other authors that are writing at your level. You state in your bio that want to be published and successful, and if this is an example of your everyday work, there is no reason you shouldn't be. Just be aware that the business side of writing has its highs and lows, and sometimes things will happen that you can't understand the reason for. Don't be discouraged by those, or by that little voice that constantly nags you about being not good enough. You are good enough, and this story is the proof. Know it, own it, be it!** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
The third place I'm going to recommend is, of course, my blog,
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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