Wow, I've never read fanfiction before, or the genre, or polyamorous lit... thanks for the great intro! Great character development, engaging plot (if you're into that kind of thing) and nice flow. It's clear what floats your boat!
If I had to find something critical to say it would be this: A couple of times there was detail which seemed a bit irrelevant (or too technical) and distracted from the flow of the storyline (e.g. "Sensing her Clipper card inside, it beeped to record her stop, charging her account for the distance she'd travelled"). Perhaps I missed a reference or something but for a non-fan it just jarred a little as being incongruous with the style of the rest of the piece which flowed very well. Very minor issue, though!