%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4610328 |
 |  | What It Look Like?  [18+] The realities of a life of crime is revealed to someone  |
| (5.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Daisan , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Now I'm going to add something I never have before. I found this story on the Please Review page, which I take as an invitation to put my oar in. For full disclosure, I am an old white man who's lived most of my life around the lower end of the middle class. My impressions of the black experience come from raising two sons in a neighborhood that gradually transitioned to gang territory while we were there. I tell you this so you can evaluate my remarks with a full understanding of where they come from. Now, let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  This looks fine, and fully worthy of five stars. I especially like the way you've opened up the font and indented the paragraphs.Personal suggestions: I would go a little larger on the font. To try this, add {size:3.5} at the front of your text and see what you think. You might also try single-spacing, and adding the command {linespace:1.4} at the top. This review is in 3.5 Verdana with line spacing of 1.4, and I think it gives a very polished look. That's how you get it if you'd care to try it. STORY: But those are things that can be adjusted with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. This story is magnificent, visceral, and places the reader in the car with the participants. It also makes the reader work for his payoff. Who is the protagonist, Red or Ruth Ann? Red's living his life; he puts up with no bullshit. Ruth Ann has had a hell of an experience which has left her dazed. She's an injured party, which doesn't usually fit with a villain. The story itself is a little vignette, a snapshot into two lives and two deaths, that reaches no conclusion and doesn't really go anywhere. Readers usually like a story to come to some satisfactory conclusion, but this one leaves you thinking after the reading is finished, and that's a rare quality that many readers live for. The little cherry on top is the "Be careful what you wish for" moral at the end. Just superb!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. The first subject I want to address is the dialect, or the presentation of the dialect. One of my published works is a collection of steampunk stories in which appears a German character. I determined that he spoke with a heavy accent, and wrote it phonetically, with such gems as, "Ja, ve go to ze shop und speak vit Herr Olsen." Those stories were generally well-received, with the exception of that accent, which I was frankly pilloried for in reviews, and have backed way away from in subsequent works. But in this case, it works. I can't think of a way to pussyfoot around with the urban black way of speaking without writing it out, and it makes a huge contribution to breathing life into this story. It would be watered down, and lose half its impact without it.As to the nuts and bolts of spelling, grammar, and the like, I read through this several times looking for things to criticize, and I couldn't find any. This section of my reviews is often the longest one in them, with a dozen or more lines of corrections to be made. To find none, not a missing at or a their vs. they're issue, is a rare treat, and I must tip my begoggled patrol cap to your proofreading skills. For the sake of having something to talk about, let me point to the subtitle. Realities is plural, and the verb should match, which would make the subtitle read, The realities of a life of crime are revealed to someone. I'm damned if I'm going to deduct points from this review for that. Very well done indeed! CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Walter and his nameless assassin are catalysts, existing to highlight the brutality of the world Red inhabits, and of Red himself. Ruth Ann is the "normal" character, showing us this world almost through the eyes of someone who wakes up every morning and drives a Prius to the office. We share her shock, and sympathize with her stunned condition throughout, stunned by the double murder, by Red's callousness toward Walter, by being thrown out of the car in her underwear. Many of the urban gang members that I've known might read this as comedy, but my guess is that those aren't the people this is written to reach, and these characters serve their purposes extremely well. SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Not a lot of print is wasted on settings; we're in a car and a couple of parking lots. These are good choices, as descriptions are minimized while we concentrate on the very intense action.SUMMARY: This review came out looking more like a fan letter, but dammit, you shouldn't write so effectively! I have no idea whether you are male or female, young or old, a newbie just starting out, or an experienced writer with a dozen books under your belt, but if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/16/2021 @ 3:51am EDT