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 Review #4618931 |
| A   ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression First of all, I love that song you are referring to! I think I may have been in Middle School when it came out, 6th or 7th grade? Not sure, but I loved it! So your title automatically piqued my attention.  Question: Is the title for the first chapter or is it for the book itself? I'm thinking that it's for the book, since the chapter ended with the possibility for the next chapter having to do with Grandma and Grandpa. Thoughts/Suggestions/Comments Regarding the lunar eclipse, I looked it up to be sure, and the moon is shadowed by the earth, as the earth blocks the sun, so the moon doesn't block the sun for the lunar eclipse. Like I said, I had to look it up to be sure, just in case.  Regarding your opening line(s): There was a six-year-old boy named, Tommy. His dad called him, Major Tom. You don't need the commas before the names, unless you are addressing them, which you aren't. You could always italicize them if you want them to stand out.  There was a six-year-old boy named Tommy. His dad called him Major Tom. That first sentence, however, sounds a bit blunt. Perhaps you could combine the two? Example: Tommy was a six-year-old boy whose dad liked to call him Major Tom. I have mixed feelings about: They said all schools were closed because of something called, Coby-19, and everyone was told to stay home in Quarter-tine. I completely understand that a six year-old would call Covid-19 and Quarantine how you have written it, but I wonder if a parent is reading this out loud, if it would be better to say it the correct way, then maybe after that paragraph, Tommy tries to say the words and they come out "Coby-19" and "quarter-tine" in the dialogue you have when he asks why he has to stay home. Something to think about. (Oh, and you don't need that comma before Coby-19.  )his dad called-out his dad called out. No hyphen is needed.Favorites  I loved it when Tommy decided he would make the world better again. Kids are great, aren't they? I also loved the red crayon words, though I'm not sure a six year-old would know how to spell a contraction. I still like the looks of the message though. And then the wind suddenly stopped, and everything was still and quiet. Tommy knew he was in deep space and on his way to the moon. I could certainly imagine a kid doing this!Great story, Bill! Best of luck in the contest!Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 07/16/2021 @ 3:18pm EDT