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 Review #4627644 |
| (4.0)| Review of The Crypt by Sumojo Initial Impression: I couldn't find any reference to the prompt in your chapter. No freestanding doors in a field. You may have thought the mausoleums were sufficient or perhaps the intention was to have a freestanding door in some later chapter, but that would not be including the prompt as required in the Chapter One contest. It is not up to me to decide on the eligibility of your entry, but I thought I should mention it since it was a part of my initial impression. Title: I am presuming that the title refers to this chapter only. The book, were it ever written, might have an entirely different name in that case. I take it that the crypt referred to is the mausoleum near which is the grave of the young woman. As such it serves well enough. Content: This is the tale of a young photographer who enters a cemetery in the evening with the intent of taking some atmospheric photos for her portfolio. Seems reasonable enough but then the spooky occurrences begin to mount, culminating in the appearance of the dead (presumably) girl with arms outstretched before her. She turns out to be a vampire and the photographer flees and has to climb the gates to escape. It's a cliffhanger of an ending to the chapter, posing the question of her survival or otherwise. Is it sufficient to make a reader wish to continue reading? I am undecided. The chapter does seem a bit light in content and really needs more interaction amongst the mausoleums and gravestones to pique the reader's interest. Am I saying it should be longer? Not necessarily. It would benefit from a little editing of unnecessary detail to provide the space for more detailed exploration of the graves. The destination of the empty Coke can seems a bit surplus to requirements, for instance. Style: You write competently, without grammatical error or missed typos, but I think your effort in description is going in the wrong direction. There's nothing wrong with us knowing a little of the appearance of the protagonist but it should not interfere with the action or atmosphere of the main thrust of the story. It would probably have been better to describe the photographer at the beginning, while she was still sitting in the car. That way, she doesn't interfere with the atmosphere you will need to build once the cemetery is entered. We need to feel the creepiness of the place as it gathers, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting lady. So tell us about increasing gloom as the sun goes down, describe the mausoleum and and the mossy, weathered gravestones. Build the tension before the girl appears. Flow/Pace: This is fine, apart from the point that the running scenes need to be speeded up somewhat. Short, sharp sentences can give the impression of hurried steps and don't interrupt the action with her thoughts. Let us feel the panic through her actions. Suggestions: I think I've preempted myself on this one. 'Nuff said. Overall Impression: It has potential for development with just a few tweaks and additions. Sound work that just needs a little injection of excitement.    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/04/2021 @ 11:54pm EDT