%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4639804 |
 |  | Dead Ringer  [13+] Keon was created for one purpose: to be someone else's second chance.  |
| (5.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, H. Shizuka , and I hope it finds you well. I found this item on the Please Review forum, and have come to offer my two cents. I read your prologue and will offer some brief assessments, but in your PR post you specifically ask for tips, and that's what mainly what I'm here to offer. I realize this is only your third day on the site, but here's the first tip: put something of your writing self in your bio sections. When a reviewer comes to this page, we don't know whether you are young or old, male or female, whether English is your first language, whether you're just starting out in writing or if you're a seasoned veteran with multiple books to your credit. Your reviews will be much more detailed, and much more tailored if your reviewers know who you are as a writer. Now, as to the prologue itself, let me plug it into my review template and see what comes out. PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  You have used the default settings, and there is never any penalty for that. Everything is correct as-is, but I'm going to offer a couple of suggestions to make your words on the page more attractive.First, I always suggest indenting your paragraphs if you want to have a professional look. That's because every book you've ever read features them. To indent paragraphs here on WdC, you place the command {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. That sounds like a slog, I know, but there is a shortcut button at the top of the creation box that puts the command wherever you want it. Second, the font. The default font is a tiny version of Arial, and the longer your story is, the more it looks like the fine print in a used car contract. There are many ways to embellish your font here on the site – this review is in 3.5 Verdana with 1.4 line space setting, for example – but a very easy way to clean up the default is by placing the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of your text. If you decide you don't like it, just remove the command, and it will return to the way it was. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. With the caveat that I've drifted away from sci-fi and don't read as much as I used to, I'll say this: I've read stories about clones, but never one from the point of view of a clone. Your premise has all the hallmarks of a rich, engrossing tale, and handled carefully, it could be a real treat for the dedicated sf fan.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. I have one tiny knock for you here, but before I list it, I want to tell you something to put it in perspective. I have written over 600 reviews for WdC, and this section can often become a laundry list of problems to be corrected. I found one thing in two places that you can clear up with a couple of mouse clicks, and that is damned good attention to detail. It is:...that man had told him before he had passed," one day, you will become important to someone." The quotation mark after passed should have the space before it, not after: ...before he had passed, "one day... This happens again in the last sentence. So tiny that I'm not going to penalize for it, but it needs to be corrected. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Here we are introduced to who I assume is the main character, a clone who, according to your intro, was created as an incubator for spare parts. We feel his hopelessness mostly through internal dialogue and observations. Conversation is kept to a minimum, which enhances the effect; apparently these clones aren't worth wasting words on. He is given one line of encouragement and sent out to face a bleak imitation of life, but we're left with the expectation that his will be exceptional. This is a great start. My suggestion is that you be very careful, taking your time in your writing, and don't lose this feel of him being a great exception to the typical lives of clones.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Again, the word is bleak. A cold, clinical setting where the prep the clones for their meaningless lives outside. This adds tremendously to the atmosphere. You could have shown him reflecting in his spartan quarters or as he takes a meal, but this, him being prepped by a bunch of people who couldn't possibly care less about him, really tells the reader about what he can expect without saying a word. Excellent work!SUMMARY: I found nothing to deduct for. Mind, this review applies only to your prologue. It's a great launch pad for an out-of-the-ordinary story. All from this point will depend on what you do with it, but you've positioned yourself to take your readers on an epic journey that I wish you all the best on.In your PR post, you've asked for tips on various aspects of writing, but how you write is a very personal process. I could go on for a dozen pages describing every aspect of the way that I write, and you would likely find one or two of my methods useful to you, if that. Instead, here's what to do. Get to know your site. WdC can help you tremendously when it comes to building your skills, but you have to know what's available and how to use it. Toward the bottom of your left sidebar is a link called Writing.com Tools. Make that a regular stop. In the drop-down menu that opens when you click on it, you'll find Writing.com 101. Compiled by the StoryMistress, this is a roadmap to all the main features the site has to offer. More than that, it's your "owner's manual" for what is hands-down the best writing/writer's site on the net. Get to know also WritingML Docs & Help. This section shows you how to do such things as link, embed, and rotate items, how to insert the "fancy" things that aren't on your keyboard such as the colored text and en-dashes I used in your review, and a host of other things of great value to the user. The WritingML Emoticons are an assortment of over 1400 little pictures that you can use all over the site, in emails, for scene dividers, etc. The pictures that separate your review above were achieved by centering {e:compass} at the top and bottom. Subscribe to the newsletters. These weekly publications are produced by site moderators who have proven their chops in various ways. They're arranged mostly by style or genre of writing: Drama, Short Stories, Horror, Poetry, etc. There are about a dozen of them. Subscribe, read, and get to know the "teachers" here who speak to your needs. Visit their ports, see if they have blogs, "Favorite" them for regular reading, and talk to them. Get to know them. There are very few trolls here, and most everyone on the site enjoys some good conversation. If your schedule allows, enter some contests. You'll find out quick what works and what doesn't in those arenas. Get to know people. When you get a review that seems in line with your own techniques, click on the reviewer's suitcase and see if he or she has a blog you can follow, or review a piece of theirs that catches your eye. Reviewing can help your writing more than you might think. As you critique the work of others, you can't help but compare it to your own, and you'll gain perspective on your own style choices that might be problematic. Make time for an in-depth review, maybe one on a weekend if you're pressed, or every other day if you can work it into your schedule. You'll start seeing your own work improve almost immediately. I can't explain how it works, but it does. And that's about all I've got for you this morning. Oh, here's a group where you can ask questions, join discussions, or post your own thoughts and wait for the comments to roll in. Anyone from the Bartender on up can add you to the roster on request.
Hopefully, that will get you off to a good start. As a new member, you're probably lacking in Gift Points, so here are a few to get you started. Don't spend them all in one place! I thank you for sharing your work in this public forum and exposing it to the slings and arrows of outrageous reviewers, and wish you a wonderful journey to wherever your writing takes you. Read well and write better! ** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 12/11/2021 @ 5:07pm EST