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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4643161
Review #4643161
Viewing a review of:
 Cave Cats  [13+]
Earth Elemental created for Creature Creation Contest.
by Prosperous Snow celebrating
Review of Cave Cats  
Review by BFocht
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
I’ve never read anything quite like this - a clearly fictional representation of an academic approach to describing members of a species. It would go well as an appendix, preface, or supplemental note to provide depth to a fictional universe in which a story or novel takes place!

The biggest weakness in this piece is the repetitious use of several terms. You’ve used Onyx, Emerald, Sapphire, Ruby and Diamond as categorical types of Cave Cat, which is great. I’d highly recommend against using those same terms to describe the color of their eyes. There is some potential ambiguity here - for instance, you may be stating that the eyes are literal gem stones. If that is the case, a clarifying statement to the effect is really needed.

Also, over-utilization of the size descriptions of small house cat and saber-tooth tiger reads as very flat and dry. Vary the terms, maybe even throw in a quantitative measurement of height or weight.

The piece leaves the reader with several questions which, if this is a stand alone story, marks it as rather incomplete. However, if this is an excerpt from a larger effort, it may serve well to provide some background information.

Some of the questions I have are:
What is the physical of these cats?
Are they made of stone?
Is there variance between males and females?
How large are the young when born?
Magical?
Do they all live in caves?
What are elementals in the context of this writing/universe?

Depending on the goal for this piece, consider expanding your description to cover some of these questions.

Last, the writing looks to be a rough draft, which is of course not a problem. Some things I expect would be cleaned up in later drafts, but here are a few items to point out:

This sentence needs a colon after the word elementals.
“There are five types of these elementals the Onyx, Emerald, Sapphire, Ruby and Diamond.”

“Wit should be “with” I believe
“The young remain wit the parents for about two years after their birth.“

Over all, a creative piece. I enjoyed reading it and would love to know if this represents a small piece of a larger story or universe!

-Ben

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