These are the things that came to me as I read it.

The opening line ”John is…” does not fit. I would start with, “Jesus, this your beloved, John, son of Zebedee. I have not taken time to speak with you and I beg your forgiveness…” or something like that.
Lower case “I” in “It” after comma.
As an old man John write the Revelation of St John, living in exile on an island with just a young boy servant his only contact with the outside world. No-one would be allowed to ask him about anything.
The repetition of him longing for Jesus’ return is overdone. A few times, but it is taken too far and takes the reader out of the story.
Three paragraphs starting “I remember…” in a row is also a distraction to a reader.
The betrayal comes out of chronological order.
Referring to the leaders as “Jewish leaders” is not a phrase John would have used because he was very much Jewish and all considered Jesus Jewish as well (except Saul/Paul).
Good pick up with Thomas doubting – this is only mentioned in John, not the other 3 Gospels. That meant it had relevance for John.
John’s Gospel was almost rejected because it is so different to the other 3, but as he was the only one of the 12 to have written the events down not long after they happened, his Gospel was kept (where many others were rejected). It is also salient to remember Saul/Paul tried to have the Johannine interpretation of Jesus and his message shut down, but he failed.

So, that’s where I stand with the way it reads to me.

As far as the technicalities of writing, I mentioned a few places where you echoed the same words, but there are more. I think you need to be careful of that “word echo” in the way it is written. The rest of it was very clean, well-written and requires little in the way of editing.

You have an overall tone of depression throughout, which is to be expected, but I think there are times when a little more joy could be injected. The man from Capernaum, Lazarus, even the baptism by John – all of these could be a little more happy in the tone in which they are written, or maybe more wonder-filled. At the moment you just recall what happened. How did John feel? Why did he feel like that? What was going through his mind? What did it make him believe, considering he was a devout Jew?

So, overall, it is a good piece, I just feel in some areas it could be tightened up a little.

Good luck with it!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .