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 Review #4660620 |
 |  | The Bar  [GC] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good day to you, Benjamin Black , and I hope it finds you well. It's Monday, and the Blimpster's on the prowl for something to review. That makes this your lucky day  . Seriously, you Fanned me a couple of days ago, and making you today's review subject is my way of saying thanks. I am certainly no one to be telling anyone how to write, having myself managed to successfully avoid fame and fortune for over sixty years, but I flatter myself that I have learned a thing or two in my decades of chasing the dream. So I'm here to offer my opinion. And make no mistake, it is nothing but an opinion for you to use or discard as you wish. My reviews are thorough and honest, and while I hope we can be friends afterward, my greater hope is that you become a better writer as a result of our having crossed paths.For the record, I am a casual and very occasional writer of mystery, fantasy, horror, and steampunk, and I try to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. I was the sole Honorable Mention for the 2021 Quill Award for Reviewing, so my goal is to up my game to #1 next year. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  This is a clean, attractive presentation. You use a crisp font of decent size, and your scene dividers are placed well to avoid any reader confusion with sudden jumps in time and setting. I prefer indented paragraphs, and they would have helped you in a couple of places where paragraphs are run together, but this isn't about that. It looks good, and there are no weird formatting issues that might cause a reader to move on without partaking.FYI, in the left sidebar under Writing.com Tools is a submenu of over 1400 emoticons that can be place throughout your work, including as scene dividers should you wish. For example, {center}{e:elecguitar}{/center} yields:  STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. Like, wow, man, you have concocted a story that reads like a 70s acid trip. You obviously know your music well, and weave that considerable knowledge into the fabric of your tale. I know. I was there. Those seem like happier times, but at the time, without the lens of nostalgia, a lot of it was pretty grim. I wasn't a big practitioner of the hard stuff; I was more into the social aspect, and passing a joint around was the extend my "wild youth," but my point is that I was in that culture for a while, and you have nailed it. I have to tip my begoggled patrol cap to you, this shit is real!EXECUTION: You may have a five-star story, a convoluted tale that rivals King or Tolkien. That is half of being a writer. The other half is your ability to tell that story in a coherent manner. It is my opinion that you need to get from A to B with a minimum of fuss and diversion. What does that mean? There is that famous adage that if a gun is mentioned in act one, it must be fired by act three. The meaning is simple: Things that don't contribute to the story need to be left out. By all means, scatter the landscape with false leads and other red herrings, but don't take a trip down a rabbit hole just to see if there's a rabbit at home. There needs to be something in there that the protagonist needs in order to solve the problem posed by the plot, and if there isn't, don't go down there. Describe things that need description, but never lose sight of the fact that you aren't writing a travelogue or a weather report. Your execution must clearly answer the first question of fiction: What's going on here? Lead your reader around the same tree enough times and you'll lose him. Hopefully I've made this point clear, so let's take a look at your execution.  So I've made a deduction here. Why? One word: head-hopping. Okay, one-and-a-half words. The point is that once Jay and Emily meet up, in scene after scene, one paragraph is Jay's viewpoint and the next is Emily's. I don't normally promote rigid adherence to rules, but the issue with this is that at every paragraph the reader has to disengage from the story and work out whose viewpoint it is this time. This story works better than most with a "flickering" viewpoint, but I think it does more harm than good. Maybe when it's Jay's scene, have him give his impression of what Emily is thinking, and vice versa. It can be tough, but writing is hard work; if it wasn't, we'd all be on the best seller lists.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Jay and Emily work very well. Both are music aficionados, both are confused and frightened by the events surrounding them (who wouldn't be?), and their actions in the face of unfolding horror are real and believable. I see no issues with who these people are, and wouldn't change a thing.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. This is an area that can spell trouble when overeager authors, in their haste to get their latest work in front of an audience, post stories that still need work. This story has a few of those small items that cause this issue. Things like sentences that start without a capital. Things like an extra word in a sentence here and there, something left over from an incomplete edit, perhaps? Just little proofreading issues. You say you want to be a published author in the future. If that's the case, you have to make proofreading your friend. It's never finished. Proofread until you're sick of your own words, then proofread again. "Writing is rewriting," as some famous and successful author once said, and there's always another typo waiting to be caught.An issue that I see throughout is that whenever there's an exchange of dialogue, you don't double-space between the lines of speech. I notice that you are Australian, and perhaps that is how things are done in Australian-English. I find it a bit confusing, not terribly so, but confusing your reader is something that you never want to do. Along that line, this is a passage I want to point out to you in case it needs fixing: “Are you real?” he whispered. Emily was caught off guard for a second by the question. Here he was wondering if she was real when she was thinking the same. “Yeah, I’m real, are you real?” “I’m real.” “So am I.” “And you are in the Ladies Room because why exactly?” "Are you real?" Jay whispers. "Yeah, I'm real, are you real?" This is Emily's reply. "I'm real." - Jay. "So am I" - Emily. So, is the next sentence Jay asking this lady what she's doing in the Ladies Room? Despite all this, in a story this long, it isn't too bad. It can't be left unremarked, however. Still, not a bad job. SUMMARY: And there you have my words of "wisdom." I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. I thank you for sharing and exposing your work to the whims of public opinion, and I wish you a thrilling journey to wherever your writing takes you.** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** "You don't choose writing; writing chooses you." Interested parties may follow my antics at "Invalid Item" — Serious writers may want to check out the biggest little group on the site. If you'd enjoy occasional deep conversations and a spiffy monthly contest featuring unusual and valuable prizes, stop in for a look. Our forum, linked below, is open access, and if you like what you see, e-mail me to be added to the roster. Hope to see you there!
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/07/2022 @ 2:27am EDT