Hello Howard, Wow, quite an introduction to WDC. Welcome. I just happened on your poem through Read and Review. Members are encouraged to read and provide reviews to others' works. I've had a little hiatus because of changes in my life that blocked my own writing for a while and reviewing is helping me get back. This review is just my opinion, I critique the craft of writing, not the content, though the content certainly influences my reception. The review is meant to help you see your writing through another's eyes.

Title and appearance on the page. (Invitation to read.) Your title is straightforward and a little different. Good but could be stronger. Hopefully, it would draw in its intended target and might even invite the casual reader to be curious. Appearance, long but not intimidating with breaks to allow the reader to rest between thoughts, good.

Form written in nonce verse. (patterns created for just this poem) 9 stanzas, a rhymed couplet, 2 mono-rhymed tercets, 5 rhymed couplets in that order and ending in an envelope rhymed cinquain with L2 unrhymed. Short and very long lines make up this poem. Interesting.

Texture, word choice, rhythm and sonics. The poem reads fluidly in the rhythm of everyday speech. L1 is a true grabber because of the word "abandoning". Making the image concrete and something the reader can attach to. It hurt to read it. L2 abstract that I couldn't connect to. This is a very personal letter from the narrator to his children and really doesn't let the casual reader in because it deals with abstracts. The casual reader doesn't see the pain, the betrayal, or the attempts to make amends, just words.

SuggestionsTo be honest, as I read this I kept thinking of Walt Whitman's line, "condense, condense, condense". In my opinion this truly could be a powerful poem with the use of more concrete imagery and many fewer words. The heart, the soul, is present. The delivery can be more powerful with fewer words and imagery that allows the reader to connect. This is your poem, I am only one opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

What I liked I loved the sincerity of this piece. I liked the attempt at creating a poetic pattern for something so personal.

I hope to read more of your work.

~~Tink



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .