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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711714
Review #4711714
Viewing a review of:
 
Staremaster  [E]
There should be balance in life; a purpose for exercising = coffee + unlimited donuts.
by foxtale
Review of Staremaster  
Review by intuey
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello foxdale This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum"  [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with. *Smile*


*Reading* This was a cute story. It was easy to visualize ya'll sitting in the doughnut shop watching the chiseled, vain jogger have his 'run' in. *Bigsmile*

*Balloon2* Title and Description - Very good play on words with your title. It definitely drew my attention. Your description made me want to read on. You may want to consider rewording it a bit:

There should be a balance in life: A purpose for exercising equals unlimited doughnuts.

*Penr* Theme/Subject Matter:- Doughnut lovers watch as an inspiring fitness junkie tangos with a telephone cable.

*Flower1* Characters - Great character development in such a short piece. The reader was easily able to get to know both personalities.

*Penb*Originality/Creativity:- I like the creative spin you put on the intense exercise junkie and the viewers. Nice job.

*Balloon4* Setting - Good job on the setting. I was easily able to visualize each scene as I read. *Bigsmile*

*Flower3*Emotion/Impact: - This left me with a smile and a chuckle.

*Balloon4* My Suggestions -

*Reading* As that Mister Macho

Delete the word 'that'

*Penb* him in mid stride.

him in mid-stride.

*Books3* shop's windows,

No comma is needed after windows.

*Reading* out of shape

out-of-shape

*Peno* below an ad

below is an ad

*Peng*Summary: Thanks for the chuckle. I enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

*Quill* KEEP ON WRITING ON! *Quill*

*Heart* Intuey

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/13/2023 @ 9:01pm EDT
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