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 Review #4713048 |
  |  | Promptly Poetry Challenge 2021-22  [18+] Rd 2 for Lilli's weekly prompts. My muse will need a S'bux gift card for this one. ☕️  |
| (4.0)| Dear Writer_Mike :Thank you for participating in the "Wheelbarrow Poetry Group (Be A Member)" contest. Sorry it's taken so long to get around to judging. Its a pleasure to read and lend my feedback.I see this was written for prompt for Promptly Poetry. And, I see we have embarked on ye olde English of a certain era that could go as far back to Shakespeare's times. I'm noting a hint of rhyme with the first line and the fourth/last in this three verse piece. There is an interesting structure: from the top line a question, to the last verse where three lines ask the final question. It's short questions to short answer and the flips, give a nice topsy-turvy reversal that lends to read flow and the intonation of its words. Poems that ask questions can tease, or could try to answer. Looking at this vague set of questions, it seems ominous. Hard to know. When I read, I sense a fraction of a story snipped out of something longer, as with any soliloquey in an early bard play. The narration feels like it speaks more to the self, but is reflected without, as if it knows an audience has ears. "What bringeth the morrow?" You could use 'morrow, since an abbreviation and would fit with the contracted P'raps. In my mind I think a contraction should sound Pr'haps or Pr'aps. It's funny how looking at it plays on the mind and how to enunciate the sound, though knowing the true word. As to the answer, conjecture: "None can say for sure. P'raps joyous tidings or news with great sorrow." Essentially truth, nothing to remark upon. We cannot disagree with the 'who knows' of it all. "Can any stop its coming?" The next question that plays off the first. And we wonder if we are starting to worry about the future. It's also becoming introspective, if spoken alone. Thinking aloud and providing answers in real time, we are figuring out where these thoughts spun in poem are going... "None that now walketh here, breathing our common air in their coming and going." Again, this does not illuminate a lot on the reason for the words, poem. It has us wondering where this will take us with the coming summation. This poem is relying solely on a narrative that feels like one half of a conversation about the fate of man, the future of man. I'd slip in there a little about 'free will' and how will our fate play out. Now, the format flips to a long question for a short zinger/pay off. The poem has coasted until now, biding time to tease a reader to wonder, to consider the narrator's ponderings... "What, then, can any do to assuage the pain that assails us all?" 'Assuage' fits in the mix for archaic words that again make me think of an era in the past where a character asks questions that intone the age-old dilemma of fate-destiny. But, now the final line... "Care, love - just be you." To me, this is a modern response, similar to "I'll do me. You do you." "It is what it is." We just accept things as they are. We "go with the flow". Going 'loosey-goosey' was less an option in olden times. Civilization was much more barbaric, rigid, and issues dire. Nowadays, we have options more like free will. The ending is not a strong pay off, but it works. The poem on the whole could use some further introspection on how it might be received, viewed by an audience. However, writing poetry is the more rewarding part of the process. It's less about readership and acceptance. But, at the end of the day, writers are trying to have a voice, hoping to add to the conversation. Suggestions might include use of visual words. Even in the bible, followers were described as lambs. Pain would be akin to the slings and arrows. Air could be breathed anywhere. Locales from garden to sea and places in between give a reader something sensory. I feels it's a worthy write as it stands. But, like a child rubbing a nose into the head of a dandelion, you feel the soft head, collect a yellow dust, inhale a sweet aroma that can apply to taste too, and such a vivid yellow...all taps into youth, innocence, sensory. There is a theme to a write, there is a way to connect reader to text in a way that does more than tell or show, but feel something move within for a reader. You can craft a great flow of words that cohesively collect and tell a story. Story poems might be something you might be good at. Using picture words, sensory and symbolism, you can intone a message and theme in your poem that could really resonate with readers. I really appreciate the opportunity to consider your poem for this activity and enjoyed considering your progression as poet and how you express your words as a craftsman of words. Truly a pleasure, Brian WDC Angel Army   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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