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Review #4714151
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of 5 Haikus  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear Starling

In "Invalid Item"  you effectively capture snapshots of nature and seasons, creating a vivid connection with this reader. The decision to link these haikus together offers a holistic perspective on the cycle of life, and nature, showcasing a journey through different seasons. I see a thoughtful structure that provides continuity and thematic cohesion that reads easy and should be appreciated by readers.

The form adhered to traditional haiku rules, with the three lines and a 5-7-5 syllable pattern. I did pause to consider the design of a single haiku over something like yours that links five haikus. Primarily, does the end line of each three line verse have to summarize to give a take away for the first two lines?

So I look at the first:
The wind blew from shore,
The seagulls flew over head, That's setting scene descriptively

Summer had started. Here you summarize, punctuate that scene. Acts like a traditional haiku should. So I continued to look for futher evidence:

The willow tree hung,
Its branches low to the ground, you show what it is doing

Whispering sadness. You personify it as emotion! yes, this is what good haikus do and you've strung them together, adding emotive elements or declarative statements to end on those stanzas. So, this pleases me with the read all the more. It's more to contemplate, which I enjoyed. Noting that you are showing progression of the seasons, I can make a case for how this still seems to follow the true intent of a simple haiku.

I also took a look to see if there was any suggestions I could make, or if there was room for improvement. Here are a few of the things I offer for consideration:

Varying Imagery
While each haiku explores a different season, adding more varied and unique imagery could enhance the overall impact. For instance, with that haiku #2, the "whispering sadness" ias a strong emotive element, but consider that it's image is weepy, both known and described. Perhaps, you can attribute even more that suggests a more distinctive description that evokes a stronger emotional response.

Consistency in Theme
The transition between Haiku #3 and #4 feels somewhat abrupt. A smoother link or thematic transition between these two haikus would strengthen the overall narrative flow.

Title Significance
The title, "5 Haikus," is rather straightforward. I consider a more descriptive or intriguing title that hints at the interconnectedness of the haikus or the overarching theme. Together, they are like a symphony of haikus (title idea) but about what? You are the author; you can come up with something that teases a reader with some title that could serve as something collective of all of these, or something that adds an element of intrigue to the theme woven within.

I'd just like to say "5 Haikus" effectively captures the essence of different seasons and the cycle of life through the traditional haiku form. If you diversify that imagery, make thematic, and work on smoother thematic transitions, this works as a very special piece of writing. These refinements further elevate the emotional resonance and cohesiveness of the collection.

It was a pleasure to discover this and be able to comment and hopefully offer something that might be useful for this, or for a future write.

Brian
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