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 Review #4714158 |
 | Girl by the Sea  [E] A portrait.  |
| (5.0)| Wow, Z. Tyler Westphal ,This poem struck me in several ways that I just had to comment. And not like one of those form type reviews laying out different stuff to comment on and filling it with a sentence or two. Just a pure, right off the cuff reaction. The brevity and clear images of your poem helped me do more than visualize your central character. I could feel empathy, or a sort of reverence for someone I do not know. It's the kind of person you come across and observe, not creepily, that is doing something that captures your attention. But, to do it in poem, and with such brevity is what I admire. I'd have to admire the poet equally for what I would assume be a crafted, fictional person. But, artists have their muses, have their models. We have those moments in life with our camera when we snap images of something like this because we can frame it well, see it's contrast in that scene, that she jumps right out at you as big as life. What you have done is transcended writing into that area writers dream of being. Let's look at the poem so I don't keep going on... The girl by the sea knitting scarves with her slipper shod toes on her violin case. There's a lot of work here. This is true showing. Hey, everybody who writes poetry on WDC, including me, this is what it's like to paint pictures with words! Okay, by the sea had me, because it makes me think salty, shipping vessels. But add more detail in just that one line, 'knitting scarves'. Cold. Brrr. It's a northern area. I'm thinking of a village port where people go out on the water and need these scarves. I wonder who she's making them for...plural scarves! Is it a vocation; is it a love for these sailors? And we haven't gotten to the second line yet! "with her slipper shod toes" Mmm, alliteration and so softly sounding. My mind goes off in a couple of directions. She's odd, maybe a little bit crazy. But a girl, so not likely a practical person. I have to assume it's cold, given the introduced elements. I know temperatures drop like 10 degrees by water, unless it's a southern port and you have humidity. But, I think it's not. Otherwise, she's crazy in love with making scarves in a hot environment. Knit scarves. That could mean wool, but definitely yarn. So, now two lines in, I have to wonder why does she do this? She seems alone. She seems to have a favorite spot. She's a bit odd, but I'm creating an image of a girl with long, unkempt hair and knit hat on her head with some kind of bulky overcoat and those flimsy excuses for footwear. She's a marvel. I want to meet her. But, we haven't gotten to line three: "on her violin case." Damn, didn't see that coming. Okay, she's got skillz. Apparently we're bordering on genius, because unusual people like this just have natural gifts. Assumption. She's apparently a true artist, multi-talented, doesn't have a care, and just loves doing something theraputic, or spur of the moment. Knitting is something they give mental patients to do. It's like a discipline that keeps you calm, allows you mind to organize, rest, drift. She has spare time between, what, concerts, lessons? She's young. A prodigy, maybe? Now I'm just throwing things out there because I really need to know her. She's so unique. That's part of the skill of a good write. There is interpetation which leads to argument which leads to drunken bar brawls. How'd Dylan Thomas get here. Brianging myself back. There is a slack-jawed writer just staring a three typed lines. Three lines. Pops a cork. A haiku? Scratches head, does syllable count....Nope...more like a countdown...7-6-5. I consider that as structure for a moment. She's introduced, line by line, each fading into the next until there's nothing...that's it! That's it? Yes, we got a vignette, a scene, and yet it's just a shot the cameraman pans to. It could be an establishing shot, or b-roll for a news piece. These little moments that run by-- we seldom actually witness. She is stark and sticks out like a 'sore thumb,' lacking a better expression. or whatever, in this short poem. She's got the eye of the writer, who's like, 'come here, guys. Check this chick out.' But, it's not necessarily sexual, it's beauty. I find her beautiful and line four could say all her front teeth were missing and I wouldn't care. I might be in love with her. This is the nature of good writing. You don't have to say a lot. You can do it in a few words. You've done it! You broke poetry. Hey, everyone! We can all go home. That doesn't sound how I intend it. It's something to marvel, hang on the wall, worth sharing. I'd draw an illustration to go along with it, but it's already done. Paint doesn't even need to dry. In fact, she's transported us all there. Yes, what good writing does. Am I going to suggest something for improvement? Darn right I am. It's hanging just a little...askew...on the wall...there...let me just... [C:red]line two: you make a reference to 'her' when you've already used 'girl'. Wasted a word. Caught you. But that's cool. You can throw an adjective in there. Something sensory. Ocean covers a lot, but for a little depth add a color, (pink?) keep your syllable count and voila! (Maybe, silk, alliterate) Now let's see if it hangs straight. I loved this. I loved commenting on this. I want everyone to go flock over to this poem and read it. Consider it. Consider the way you craft your words. Sometimes, a poem like this can take a lot of work, tinkering. I swear, it does not have to be. It can be as easy as this reads. You have won my deepest appreciation for a fine poem that I went a little...no way over the top...commenting on. What's the character count up to now? 5,813? You used 18 syllables. Praises. Brian Super Power Reviewer, and much more   Put that one on the mantel! Can we give out six stars?   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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