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Review #4720307
Viewing a review of:
 Touched by the Light  [E]
What else could we be wrong about?
by WriterRick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello WriterRick,

my name is Tiggy-Cheers for House Martell and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


*PenB* First Impression:

This reads more like an outline than a finished story. An interesting one, and I can see how you could expand this into a longer story, but as it is, it is lacking the kind of detail required to involve the readers with the characters’ lives. Especially the first paragraph tells the readers what I thought would probably take the entire word limit to show.

With the main character being a vampire, I was hoping for a more detailed description of his struggle. What did he feed on, where was he forced to hide from the humans, had he always been opposed to his natural urges or was there a time where he killed humans, and how did this change? There are a lot of questions that remained unanswered.


*PenG* Suggestions:

Technically, the story was solid; I didn’t notice any typos or grammatical errors. There was one sentence I wasn’t sure about:

He emerged from the shadows and, using his supernatural speed, guided her safely back to her cottage. Eliza, unaware of the truth about Viktor, thanked him profusely
I’m not sure why he had to use his supernatural speed to help her, and it actually reads like he didn’t use his powers at all, or she would have noticed that there was something odd about him. Maybe you could clarify why his speed was needed and how he used it to make it clearer?


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

My main suggestion would be to flesh out the story. You don’t use any dialogue until close to the end, when Eliza says one sentence, and I think you could add a lot of character development with a few conversations between the two main characters. For example in the section I highlighted above, instead of saying that she thanked him profusely, let her do that in her own words, and add a few dialogue tags - have her press her hand to her heart in shock, or show her flushed face when she realised how handsome he is - anything to make the characters more rounded and interesting.

I liked the idea of the tormented vampire who was turned against his will and is looking for redemption and acceptance, and I was glad that there was a happy ending for him - kind of; I mean, he is still a vampire who, presumably, goes hunting every night to drink blood, and he will never be able to be human again, but under the circumstances, this was the best outcome he could hope for.

I was intrigued by your short description as well, but you never really circled back to that teaser to explain what you meant and how we could learn a lesson from this story. I understand the general premise - without knowing someone’s circumstances, we could be wrong about them - but it would be interesting to see perhaps a final paragraph to round it all up.




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