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Review #4726881
Viewing a review of:
 Final Prey  [13+]
A dollar store employee meets a deadly stranger.
by the.shay1
Review of Final Prey  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi the.shay1 . Good morning. I found your offering in the Read & Review section.

I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Final Prey" .

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. First, great title. I was intrigued by it; that's why I started reading. May I suggest you change the word "deadly" in your item description to "dark" so as not to give anything away before your suspense builds.

You do a good job describing Jim's rather pathetic existence. I suspect a lot of folks feel the same, identifying with the same day in, day out life.

I did find some of your phrasing to be awkward to read. For example: the phone began to emit audio. Try instead: the phone began to sing.

I have some unanswered issues. How would the young girl get such a recording? Making the stranger taller than Jim seemed at odds with a young girl. I know girls can be taller than guys ... but it seemed odd in this situation.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet*  May I suggest you read your story out loud while editing. You can hear problems with your grammar easier that by just reading silently to yourself. I know when I just read, I tend to skip words, thereby missing the very things I need to edit.    

*Star* My Rating.  4.0. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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