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 Review #4742409 |
 | Unexpected Hunger  [18+] You can't resist it... Nor would you want to.  |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "Unexpected Hunger" as a ten review mini-raid. This is #1. The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. First, as you might surmise from the etymology of my username, writing and reviewing Erotica stories is my favorite pastime. My problem was finding a tame-ish offering to keep the rating under GC.You did not disappoint with this story. You provided just enough emotion and innuendo to keep your 18+ rating. I also enjoyed the added risk factor that you left to your reader's imagination: are they really going to "do the deed" right there in the kitchen with several hungry boys awaiting snacks? I'm sure with the time available to Kat and Erik, this might be considered their "snack". Kudos to Erik for trying to be the gentleman. But a gentleman learns early who often controls such situations.  Editorial Thoughts. Maintain your paragraph integrity. When you start with a subject, stay with that subject; if you change the focus, begin a new paragraph. For example, you wrote: He searched for words to break their connection, hating himself at the same time. Her body was ready for him. She wanted him. "Kat, I.. Your b..." Move 'Her body was ready for him. She wanted him.' to the following paragraph where she is speaking. Technical Considerations. Change the period to a comma in the following examples to make the attributes work. ... You deserve more than that." Anabelle said. "I guess I'm back to being single again." Katherine replied, ... "These look good." He he said, ... This statement should be two distinct sentences. It begs for a hard pause after 'watching'. Katherine stood there for a second, watching,. Then her eyes met Erik's and her heart skipped a beat. A wordsmith moment. Consider that Erik thought he knew what he wanted earlier. with a need he didn't know was there ... with a need deep inside him ... My Rating. 4.0. Thank you for sharing your offering.
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