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 Review #4744933 |
 | The Intimate Arena  [18+] They play sports, just different ones.  |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "The Intimate Arena" . This is review two of two reviews.The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. Sometimes less is better when describing erotica. Your reader does not need, nor want, to be told ever little action that takes place within the dance that occurs between lovers. In Romance and Erotica, one's mind, imagination, reigns supreme.I may be way off base with this, and please feel free to enlighten me, but would Dennise be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with Jarred while he was engaged in a VR game? While I'm certain he could hear Dennise speak, his attention would be focused elsewhere, and thus be unable to converse with her. But then, I'm probably the only person left in the world who has never, ever played a VR game. My wife provided that context above. That said, your dialogue was witty and moved your story along--everything else being equal. I'm amazed how a little competition can lead to some fun in the bedroom ... or elsewhere. Your title was great. You did a great job of keeping your descriptions within the 18+ rating. That's not always easy to do. When I first joined WDC there was a very active Erotica populace, groups and contests and all. Erotica and Romance are perhaps 'kissing' cousins, but they are different. I guess I view Erotica as Romance on steroids.  Editorial Thoughts.  Read through your piece out loud when editing. I believe you'll hear spots that could be tightened up--changing a word here, deleting a word there. ... each caress a searing volley met with a counterpunch of heated strokes. You use counterpoint two sentences later. He pinned her down, raining down kisses like heavy blows ... You just used down, and rain naturally falls down without having to explain that. shivers of electrifying pleasure coursing through her. Electrifying denotes something not always positive; try intense instead.  Technical Considerations.Other than what I mentioned above, I found no obvious problems of grammar and punctuation. My Rating. 4.0. Thank you for sharing your offering.
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