%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4747307 |
 | Drowning a Ghost  [13+] Suicide or mistake or both?  |
| (4.5)| Hallo DyrHearte writes ! I will be reviewing your work "Drowning a Ghost" for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"  Pluses: Since there's a blurb that says 'word count unknown' at the end of this story, I'm assuming it was once written for a contest or you just can't remember what the word count was? Either way, if a prompt was given for this, I think you did a good job being able to convey the feelings of one who has chosen to take a rather sad and dark route to ending their life. The subject matter can be touchy for some readers, but you've managed to give this act a meaning. The emphasis placed on the cold and desolate emotions the narrator feels, as compared to the rather hauntingly beautiful surroundings, allows the reader to empathize with all the narrator's thoughts. We are sitting on that bank watching ourselves out there. We are in doubt and worry that we might have done the wrong thing after all; now aware that we've doomed ourselves to an eternity of roaming the earth with the burden of sadness attached on our backs. And in the final moments of this tale, the realization that we are not even going to have that luxury, makes for a sad finish. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. P.S: See "A Guideline to Punctuation" for punctuation highlights.>>...cries for help had disturbed the quietness of the night. (can't quite place my finger on it - as I had to read this entire sentence a few times, but that word 'had' seems a bit out of place) >>I lifted my tear(-)streaked cheeks and >>The iciness took my breath away (,) and I remembered >>Rational thoughts were dulled by the depth (of) sadness >>I couldn't keep my head above the water (,) and I choked. >>The sadness weighs heavily in my breast and I know this is how I will feel forever, now. (Hmm..this was another odd-sounding sentence to read out loud. Perhaps we could try: 'The sadness weighs heavily in my breast, and I know this is how I will continue to feel forever.') >>I am not alive to live passed this feeling of gloom. (Or we could try: 'I am no longer alive, and I cannot surpass this feeling of gloom.' or 'I am now dead and unable to move past this feeling of gloom.') >>I stand (,) and I am stepping into the water. >> It is my body (,) and I swim toward it.   This was a sad but interesting story to read. Thanks for sharing it, and keep on writing!   Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.