This week: On Saying No Edited by: Kit of House Lannister  
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Do you struggle to tell people no? If so, why?
It's not always easy, but it's an important skill to learn.
This week's Spiritual Newsletter, then, is all about the no.
Kit of House Lannister |
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My husband has a t-shirt that reads ‘To quote Hamlet Act III, Scene III, Line 87: “No”’. I bought him that t-shirt because, like many people, he struggles to say no. He’s a good man. He is kind, and caring, and he loves to help others. Unfortunately, this can lead to those others taking advantage of his kindness. It can also lead to him overloading himself with projects. He finds it difficult to say no because he does not want to disappoint anyone, but it’s not always in his best interest to say yes.
I understand this. I’m the same. Most of us were raised to be accommodating and shy away from potentially causing hurt, upset or anger. It’s nice to help where we can. It makes us feel useful. It strengthens bonds. Seeing other people’s happiness can increase our own happiness. But it can get too much. We can end up stressed and overburdened and neglect our own needs in the service of others.
It does not help that telling someone that you cannot or do not wish to do something is not often met gracefully. Indeed, you can learn a lot about a person by how they respond when you tell them no. The kind of person you want in your life will readily accept your answer or, at least, refrain from urging you to change your mind. The kind of person you’re better off avoiding if you can will guilt you, pressure you, or may even erupt in anger. Many will fall somewhere in-between – they’ll expect an explanation and base their reaction on whether or not they believe this explanation to be valid.
And yet, no is a complete answer. If you do not wish to do something, or have something done to you, no should be sufficient. You do not need to explain yourself. Or, you should not have to explain yourself. In reality, that one-word response will raise some eyebrows.
I confess, there are situations in which I, too, would like to know the why. If, for example, someone doesn’t want to hang out with me I wonder if they’re ill, or if I have done something to upset them. It would partly be a concern for their health and well-being, and partly driven by my own insecurities. That’s just being human. There are situations, however, in which no ought to suffice. If you’re on holiday and your manager asks you to come in for an extra shift, you shouldn’t need to explain that you’re on a beach somewhere, or simply want to relax at home. Especially as relaxing at home is often seen as less valid, even if it may be what you want and need.
This goes beyond the word no. If you call in sick you shouldn’t have to explain your health issues. Whoever’s on the other end is not a doctor (unless you work for a doctor, I guess), and as an adult human being you ought to be trusted to know whether or not you’re fit to come in. Sure, some people fake it, but we cannot base our general treatment of hardworking employees on that.
We need to be a bit more trusting, and a lot more considerate of people’s wishes and boundaries. I am certain that I am not alone in wanting people to feel comfortable around me. I don’t want them to feel that they have to come up with an excuse if I suggest something and they’d rather do something else. I want them to feel like they can be open and honest, at all times, safe in the knowledge that I’m not going to kick off at them.
At the same time, I want people to trust me to have good reasons when I tell them no. I want them to respect my limits and boundaries. I want them to understand that they cannot take advantage of my kindness. That it’s not okay to pressure someone, or guilt someone. That, as Bob Carter said, a lack of planning on their part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.
It is all about respect. Respecting other people’s limits, and also your own. If you find yourself asking for a lot of favours, perhaps ask yourself why this is the case. We can all find ourselves in a situation when we need more help than usual. This is natural, and understandable, and there is no shame in asking for support when that happens. If you are not in a situation where you truly need constant help, though, it may be good to see how you can limit your requests by improving your self-belief and self-reliance. That way, you’re much more likely to meet with a wholehearted yes when you really need someone’s help in the future.
Now, I encourage you to go and practice your skills in saying no. If you want to. You don’t have to. And you don’t have to tell me why.
Kit of House Lannister
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Spiritual: September 27, 2023 Issue [#12196]
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