  Comedy
This week: The Jamaica-Scam-Man's After Me! Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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Web~Mom has often given my muse an infusion of humor when I needed it. That woman could have a room full of people cracking-up over her little actions, blurts, expressions and jokes. It's fondly dubbed, Web~Mom-isms. This particular incident was a doozy!  |
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As the years flew-by, Web~Mom's difficulty with walking due to her arthritis, kept her mostly indoors, entering contests and watching every imaginable game show on the cable channel specializing in them. She had her pocket dictionary handy and was prepared to out-guess the contestants. She also loved to talk on the phone, that is until; bup, bup, baaaaaaah-the dreaded SCAM calls. 
Web-Brother, number two, lives the closest distance to our mother, thus, when she is upset about something she calls him first.
She started receiving phone calls from someone exclaiming she had won over 800,000 dollars. She only needed to go to the local Wal-Mart and get a money order for $350 to cover the transfer charges.
She was so thrilled with the news she called me and told me about the contest win. I asked her if she needed to send any money to claim the prize. She said, "Well not much compared to the return money!" 
"Web~Mom, if you win a prize, they send a check. There should never be an up-front cost if it's legit. That means you are being scammed. Hang-up on those callers and don't offer them anything."
Still having doubts about her grand prize being a scam, she called my older Web-Brother and sought from him a more enthusiastic response than the one I gave her.
"Web~Mother, if they want money up-front, it's a scam!"
"But, Web-Son, what if it's true? That's a lot of money for just paying a handling charge of $350."
"Okay, WM, if you really think you have that money coming to you and they won't release it without their charges being covered, just tell them to send you a check for $799,650 and to keep the change for their handling cost."  (I would have told her that, but, as everyone knows; "Web~Witch doesn't do math!")
"Hmmm, you sound like your sister and brother, they don't believe this is true, either."
"Because, it's a SCAM, Web~Mother!"
Well, folks, it finally sunk-in her stubborn Web~Mom brain that it had to be a scam. However, by then, she had been conversing with these scam artists each night. They asked her if she had gone to Wal-Mart for the money order. She told them she couldn't go that day, but would go the next.
"Web~Mom, why are you encouraging these crooks?"
"Oh, you see, WW, I just want them to think they're going to get money from me. Pretty soon they'll realize I am on to them and feel cheated--like they wanted me to feel!"
"Really? Well I think Jamaican-me-crazy! Please stop talking to these creeps."
However, these calls were not going to stop and they were interrupting her game shows, so she complained to Web-Brother that the calls were still coming-in and more often.
He asked her to allow him to get her phone number changed to end this nuisance.
"Oh, no! I don't ever want to change my phone number. It's been the same for all these years."
Finally, Web-Brother had enough of these calls disturbing WM, so he reported it to the police as a scam on the elderly in progress. They found the calls coming from Jamaica and although the found numbers got blocked, the scammers had many different back-up numbers.
After another couple weeks of her not answering the phone if it wasn't caller-ID'd, she finally thought it was safe to pick-up the phone again. Yup, you got it -- the Jamaican Scamster, is baaaaack.
He was less patient this time and told her he would come to her house to get the cash if she didn't get a money order the next day and send it to the Jamaican address. Web~Mom hung-up on him and called Web-Brother and told him to come to her house right away, because the Jamaicans were coming after her.
"WM, Jamaica is far away. He's not going to fly to your area and rent a car to come to your door, for $350!" (Reminds me of a South Park episode for some reason.  "Gimmee three-fitty.")
The whole travel from Jamaica for that small amount of money speech didn't seem to get through to her. Web-Brother said he'd get to her house as soon as possible. He left his home, grabbing a Louisville-Slugger bat, just to show her he was prepared to deal with any Jamma-Scamma at her door. 
Side-note, folks: my dear Web~Mom loved peeking out the window. She saw an unfamiliar car pull into the parking lot of the senior housing apartments. She was convinced he's the one who's been making the calls. Unbeknownst to WB, she dials 911 and tells them there is a scam-maniac in the parking lot who wants to hurt her. She said she received a call from him saying he was coming to her house to get some money.
Meanwhile, WB scrambled down the road and turned into WM's parking lot. He parked and jumped out of the car, reached over for the bat and ran toward her apartment building. At the same time, two police cruisers pulled-up, and a cop yelled; "Drop your weapon and put your hands over your head!"
Web~Brother, assuming the position and being frisked, tried to tell them he's her son and was just responding to her call. He said he wasn't aware she called 911 and guessed correctly that she had a back-up plan in case he didn't get there in time.
The police said they'd have to take him to her door and see if she could identify him, and then get her version of the story.
Another side-note, folks: Web~Mom has two sons, many grandsons and nephews. I'm sure some of you can identify with this; you sometimes see one person but call that person by another person's name. It happens to me with my four daughters, and even my son might get called my brother's name during one of my senior moments. Web~Brother knew this happened with her at times; also his driver's license was in one of the officer's hands to make sure she correctly identified him.
They knocked on the door and announced it was the police. She opened it convinced all the police-action out her front window was about the Ja-Mad-Man coming after her. It was dark and with her poor vision, she didn't recognize WB in his hooded sweatshirt. 
"Ma'am, do you know who this person is?"
WM stared at my brother and then at the police officers.
Poor Web~Brother must have been breaking-out in a sweat. I could picture him thinking, " This can't be happening, this can't be happening! Please get this answer right, Web~Mom. Oh, Please, oh please ..."
Meanwhile, standing at the doorway for what seemed to be an eternity of hesitation, she answered the officer's question. (Insert a little Jeopardy theme music, here.) Do, do,do, do, do-do-do! Do-do-do-do--Doot, doot do-do-do-do, do.
"Yes, officer, that's ...!"
Phewwww, Web~Brother could finally exhale as the police released their hold on him. He sighed and told the officers: "Hey, it's always a toss-up with her. On a good night she calls me by the right name. On a bad night, I go to jail."
You know something, folks? We're gonna miss that woman!
I dedicate this edition of the Comedy Newsletter to the woman who gave me that humorous gene, loved life and always shared jokes with everyone! Seriously, the postal carrier, the dentist, her doctor and every senior citizen in the building and surrounding ones as well as everybody she called on the phone - they've all heard and enjoyed her jokes.
Web~Mom, 1926-2013, Rest in Peace, my sweet mother. 
I end this Newsletter with a Web~Mom Joke:
Mabel an eighty-year-old woman was just finishing-up her doctor's appointment. He told her everything seems to be fine and asked her a couple more questions. One of these questions stumped Mabel, so she excused herself from the doctor's office for a moment.
She found her way back to the crowded waiting room and yelled out to her husband:
"Harry, Oh, Harry! The doctor wants to know if we still have intercourse?"
Harry is visibly agitated as he answers her question.
"Mabel, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times; WE HAVE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!"
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often AND enjoy and old lady's jokes!
Web~Witch
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Ralph 
Hiya,
You are a brilliant writer. You
do realize the stuff you write of is
not fiction and you tell it well with
a light sort of comedy aspect to ....
does get scary sometimes. 
Let me repeat, you are a very bright writer.
Just sign right here, it is a phoney
check I'll cash.
Ok, not there, here, on the dotted line
we'll know we are married via insurance
coverage.
Lastly as pure stupid comedy,
You are a fun read
RR
If they read you or laugh, run.
They'll know you made money
having fun.
Ralph, you had me at, "You are a brilliant writer." 
drjim
Dammit, Webbie, if only I'd known all the action was in Northern California back in the 80's, I'd have showed and tried bring both of the Krips/Bloods together. Nah. The new name would be...The Kruds. And I would get dah boot before long. Sheesh. Why can't I do anything perfectly, huh? Actually, gang warfare is never a joke to those in its envelope, God knows, and yet, you've again taken a stark topic and made it fun for as many will read your work. Excellent story!
That's life in Da big city, Doc. You gotta learn to take cover, and fire back if necessary. I could further explain that, but then I'd have to use the "G" word.
Quick-Quill 
makes Duck, duck, grey duck take on a whole new meaning. I'm like your brother. I say move. My only question to you is if you see that much, that often and have those reflexes, what if your child becomes a victim? I can handle myself but I want my children as safe as possible.
I agree that doing everything possible to keep our kids safe is paramount. If I had the money to move at the time, I'd probably have moved clear across the country to a nice safe little city, in a state like Connecticut. My kids were street savvy and prepared. Also, their mom kept a big weapon close-by--just in case those delinquents got too close to our home.
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! I lived in NYC, and I have to say it never occurred to me that LA would be so much worse. Maybe gangs and drive-bys don't happen in NYC because everyone's so mean they'd come leaping out of their houses, guns blazing like the OK Corral. Well, glad you survived, sense of humor intact.
~ Laura
Ah, people assume the city is LA. It wasn't Los Angeles. California is a big state. I was trying to make the point that we did live in a good neighborhood and that no matter where one lives, dangerous situations can arise. I'm sure NYC has its pockets of gang violence and drive-bys, too. And yes, LA is worse--it's bigger; more places to hide and seek.
BIG BAD WOLF is hopping 
At least you don't have to deal with kids trying to fight Adult Tyranny, or do you?
Submits : "Kids Next Door Operation: W.H.A.T.I.F?"
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
WW
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Comedy: July 17, 2013 Issue [#5778]
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