  Spiritual
This week: The Different Roads of Grief Edited by: Kit  
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Grief is difficult to deal with. And everyone handles it in a different manner. That should be respected.
This week's Spiritual Newsletter is all about loss, and the pressures that surround it.
kittiara |
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Death. It's a common topic. Even in a newsletter like this, because when you deal with spiritual issues, it's sort of unavoidable.
Death is chilling, and for those who have lost a family member or friend, it introduces a great big roller coaster of emotions, that sit upon them like a heavy weight that can only be lifted over time, and often with great difficulty.
At the time I write this newsletter, it's a couple of days after the funeral of someone I've known for more than twelve years. That will explain why loss is at the forefront of my mind. I won't share with you his story, but events like this highlight the pressures upon the surviving, and how everyone deals with them in a different way.
Even though I knew the person in question, and considered him a friend, I wasn't as close to him as those around me – his family – and for the first time in my adult life I have to try help people through their grief. It immediately raised the question – what can you do for someone who has experienced such a loss? It is difficult, because the answer is that there isn't a whole lot you can do. You can take over household chores, hug them, be there when they need to talk, respect when they require solitude. Grief hits everyone in different ways, and they may be experiencing a wide range of emotions, from pure sadness to anger.
In a village, everyone wants to pay their respects, whilst the family does not necessarily want to talk about it with lots of other people. When every time they set foot outside the door someone wants to bring it up – which is natural – it is also natural that the grieving hide inside their comfort zone, unable to cope.
The biggest source of pressure is the funeral. That includes the arrangements as well as the expectation of attendance. I remember when I was a teenager, and my stepfather's mother had passed away. I did not want to see the body. I wanted to keep her in my mind the way she was when she was alive, instead of adding the image of her in her coffin, as peaceful as she may have looked.
I remember the pressure to “pay my respects”, being urged to “say goodbye”. People told me that it would help me find closure. Others told me that it was the done thing, and that it would not show respect if I refused. Teenager or not, disrespect or not, I stood my ground, and I have not changed my mind to this day. I feel exactly the same as I did then. On this recent occasion it was not an issue, but I am certain that it will surface at some point in the future because it's a sad fact that the older you get, the more people you know and love will pass away.
The biggest issue is the pressure to attend the funeral itself, and that is the main reason for writing this editorial, as controversial as it may be. All the arguments about paying respects, saying goodbye and finding closure are brought up when it comes to funerals, whilst it's often completely ignored that people are different, and what is helpful for one, has the opposite effect on others.
There is so much pressure to attend a funeral, that some people feel they have to go, not out of their love for the person who has passed away, but because if they don't, others will be angry and upset with them. And that's not good.
Whilst, on this recent occasion, there was no pressure on me, there was on the people I've tried help to support, and I remember it from the past. When my great-aunt and great-uncle passed away, I was unable to attend because of distance, and whilst some say that if you don't go, you will regret it, I never have. As a spiritual person, I think it is perfectly possible to pay your respects and say your goodbyes in your own personal way.
You see, I believe in an afterlife. I believe that, one day, I will once more meet up with my loved ones. My reasoning is that if those I love, who have passed away, know that I have attended their funeral, they will also know that if I do not, I have my reasons, and when I pay my respects to them and share my love for them, they will know this as well.
Love is personal. Loss is personal. Everyone has to find their own peace.
When a death has occurred, it's difficult enough for people without external pressures and expectations. Whilst for some, certain rituals may assist their healing, for others, it will have the opposite effect. Would it not be kinder to respect this?
kittiara
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The Spiritual Newsletter Team welcomes any and all questions, suggestions, thoughts and feedback, so please don't hesitate to write in!
bonzo1964 - I joined WDC to help others and to share my thoughts with them. I have faced many obstacles in life and have learned a lot. To share is to plant the seed in the rich earth of those who perhaps need a little encouragement. I find great satisfaction in doing this. I agree with what you had to say 100$. When I realized that my Mother & Father would never approve of me and didn't really know me, I stopped trying to please them and live my life to suit myself. I have found great joy and I see that you have also! Great Job! God Bless!
I am sorry to hear about your struggles, but I am very glad that you, too, have found joy. Thanks so much for your kind words .
~~~
Christine Cassello  - What you said is very true. While I did not have physical, or mental disabilities I never fit in with the "in-crowd." I used to envy them,but being a Christian and knowing that is a sin, I could not admit it to myself. It was many years later that I understood that God made me just the way He wanted me and I was not meant to be like my peers. I was one of His "peculiar people," designed to show that we don't have to conform to the norm of society, and in fact should not, as it becomes more and more sinful every day. We are to be content with how God made us and the circumstances He has put us in and demonstrate that to those around us.
I agree, it's very important to accept that we are as we are. There may well be a reason for it. It's true that we are not all meant to be the same!
~~~
ruwth  - Kittiara, Your words on the subject of acceptance resonated with me. ♥
Thank you, Ruwth 
~~~
shepherd46 - This is a great article and I'm glad I read it! Your words hit home the meaning of "accepting" oneself.
Good writing!
Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed it .
~~~
Zeke  - This piece is so true. Unfortunately many lives are ruined because we can't accept who we are.
Unfortunately, that is all too true...
~~~
kevint - I really enjoyed this read and love the way your inner voice and honesty both shouts and whispers from every line nothing grabs my attention than truth and the language of the heart. It penetrates the walls we've built around ourselves and heals us from the inside out. I find it so frustrating when I think of the years I've wasted by not writing, but like you said we all have different barriers some more than others. My biggest fears and obstacles were of getting to know my true self and who and what I truly am. I just never measured up to the world around me's expectations of who and what I should be and how I should be living my life. Now I am now for the most part comfortable and accepted I am just another bozo on the bus and no longer need to be the driver, pilot, Co-pilot, navigator etc...Again Love this and thank you for the reminder and your honesty.
Thank you so much as well for sharing, and for your honesty. Other people's expectations can suppress, and even crush, the potential we have inside of us, just because it may not be what they want. I am glad that you are writing now, and are becoming comfortable with who you are .
~~~
Shannon  - Beautiful NL, Kittiara. I couldn't agree more. Good on you for learning to love and accept yourself just the way you are. We all do! Peace and blessings.
Thank you so much for your kindness  .
~~~
Wishing you a week filled with inspiration,
The Spiritual Newsletter Team
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Spiritual: July 17, 2013 Issue [#5789]
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