Andy Tayolr Vs. The Creature

Sheriff Andy Taylor sat on the front porch of his office strumming away on his banjo. A cooling afternoon breeze was blowing across the town and in the distance children poked a dead badger with a stick.

The banjo sang out songs of mercy and grace as Andy noticed Charlie Deacons strolling up towards the office.

Andy greeted him, “Well how are you this afternoon Mr. Deacons?”

“Just fine Sheriff. Say, is that a new banjo you got there?

Andy smiled and stroked the neck of his instrument.

“Yes, a gift from my lady friend, Maria.

You remember Maria don’t you? She was the woman who had the nervous break down after watching her husband being eaten alive by six hundred angry gerbils. Well, after all the therapy she started working at the pharmacy here in town and we get along just fine.”

Charlie replied, “Sure I remember her now. That was so sad about Rick; he tried hard to train those poor creatures. Who could have known that they were so upset about their treatment? Well, at least they kill him in an organized fashion, proving the capability of group thought among that species. Rick would have been proud, he’d been trying to convince the University of it for years.”

Andy said, “Yes, well we are now in love and she is at this very moment at home preparing me a nice home cooked dinner and attempting to conceive a child by praying to the pagan god Direpmoss.”


“Oh I see. Well that’s very nice Sheriff, but I need to talk to you about something very important. Can you spare a moment from a strumming that sweet music?

Andy said, “The day I can’t afford a few minutes for one of my citizens will be the day I am no longer suitable for office. So indeed, sir, speak and speak loudly so that the Gods will know I am worthy of a masculine child!

“Old Mrs. Dinkleberry told me that she’s seen a strange looking creature sneaking around her swamp land for several nights now and I thought it was rather strange and she said that you had a history with such things. What does she mean by that?”

Andy seemed shaken by the story, he slowly set down his banjo and the smile faded from his face.

“Did she say exactly what this creature looked like, Charlie? Did she say it was indeed a creature or could it have just been a prowler?”

Charlie answered, “Well it was dark every time she saw it but she was sure it was too big to be a man.”

Andy became furious, “It’s that fucking creature from the black lagoon, the son of a bitch finally came back from his icy retreat. There is no other explanation available it has got to be him......damnit!”

“ You know about this creature Sheriff, I mean is it dangerous?”

“I battled this being only once but it was in an organized posse of highly trained officers and a zoo guide who had the only tranquilizer gun in the county.”

Charlie was alarmed, “Oh no, Sheriff! We gotta’ get that damn thing out of the swamp and rip its guts out here in the town square before I gotta explain to my younguns why their mama got killed by a monster and why daddy can’t be allowed around other children!”

“You’re right Charlie. I’ll go get Deputy Fife but I need you to find me every able bodied man in town ready to lay down his life to defeat the swamp monster.”

Pumped up Charlie replied, ‘You can count on me Sheriff, I mean really you can, I am completely trustworthy.”

“ I understand, little buddy, you just make sure the boys know that it’s serious business handlin’ a big ole’ swampy creature from a lagoon. It takes courage and a little bit of devious perception into the realm of the unknown.”

“Ain’t no way I can let you down, Sheriff. The boys will be so proud, just you wait and see!”

Then men separate to fulfill the duties ahead.

On the other side of town in Macy’s pool hall, Deputy Fife sits getting a blowjob from a filthy black hooker named Tammy Mae. He started drinking pretty hard after his evening check out with Sheriff Andy and was ready to retreat back to his hotel room so he could snort more cocaine before slitting this hooker’s throat.

Barney asked, “Who here feels like blowing off a little steam back at my place?”

A few women in the crowd raised their hands and Barney made a small gesture at them to head out. He came on the whore’s face and she laughed until he smashed his fist down on her nose.

“I don’t ever want to see you in this fucking place again, do you hear me?!

The girl screams as she realizes her nose is broken.

“Get out you filthy whore! Now! I never want to even smell you or next time I’ll rip out your ovaries and set you on fire, you fucking cunt!”

He turns and walks towards the door. He turns to curse the girl again but is stopped short when a hot chick walks by.

Leering hard as he spoke to her he asked “Alright, baby, you look like you could use some bloody knees. How about a trip to Barney’s world?”

As Barney walked out to kidnap her he saw Andy standing beside his car; He knew now the party was on temporary delay.

The Sheriff got right to the point,

“You down Barney?

His trusty sidekick replied, “When Am I not buddy? What is it today, vampires? More child sex rings?”

Flashing gang signs Andy said, “I gots an old score to settle with a demon straight up out of my past, he got me wicked trippin’ on some old school issues and I gots to bust a major cap in his ass!”

Barney responded, “Fo sho, muthafuckah! Let’s go bust on some hell demon bitches!”

The men pile into Andy’s car and speed away towards the Dinkleberry home, Barney lit a cigarette as Andy cranked up some wicked tunes. The men love the thrill of the job. It wasn’t uncommon for Barney to bed 5 maybe 6 women a night, it was a glorious time in Mayberry and these two hard cracking law enforcers made sure it stayed that way.

The Dinkleberry home stretched out alongside Goonie Swamp. The home had been here for years and had suffered the most damage during the creature’s last appearance. Having been rebuilt after the massive fire and hatchet damage, Mrs. Dinkleberry had lived in peace until the newest sightings of the beast.

Some Scientists say that Goonie Swamp is the most frightening place in the world. Only some of the most bizarre animals lived there; mosquito goonies with their large, black eyes, reptilian scabions, and fiery bog stumps. These things posed quite a threat to your average human.

The creature from the black lagoon, a mile down the road from Goonie swamp, had now come back from his icy slumber in Antarctica. He had slept long enough, the meals of seal flesh had made him large, and his belly was stretched tight as a drum so full was it of meat. Now he just felt like killing a human, he thirsted for it.

The pickings around this swamp were just right for the creature now that he was so sluggish. With his long absence from the area he was sure people had forgotten all about him.

The Chieftain of a local tribe of Cherokee Indians had warned Andy Taylor many years before of the monster’s return. Although he had already helped in the first quest decades earlier, the Chief assured him that he would have to battle the beast in a fight to the death upon its next appearance.

The Indian said, “You must strike quickly and use your natural cunning to defeat this creature.”

Andy only remembered parts of the ceremony due to the ingestion of an herbal tea provided to him by the tribe medicine man who also worked at the town pharmacy with Andy’s girl.

In his vision, the Indian continued speaking, “He will be mighty, he will try to tear your love apart, stay strong and you will become a warrior.”

Andy sits on the hood of the patrol car telling the story to Barney. He pulls out the feather that the old Indian gave him for courage.

“So what happened after that Andy? You didn’t fight the beast again did you Andy?”

The sheriff replied, “Naw a bunch of skeletons came busting up through the floor of my old house later that night, apparently it used to be a burial ground for old dead Indians. Then my daughter got sucked into the television and some old preacher turned me into a giant worm so he could fuck my wife.”

“That’s a damn shame, Andy. I sure hope you get her back safe someday. Such a sweet girl, yes sir.”

Andy reached into the car and retrieved a folder, Barney gasped at the sight of it. The only known map of Goonie swamp, drawn up over 800 years ago. The Sheriff owned the only copy in existence.

The men unfolded the ancient map and prepared the next move against the filthy creature.

Andy said, “Alright here’s the plan, Barney. Charlie Deacons is rounding up a few boys from the town to help us out, so while we wait on him let’s you and I go check on Mrs. Dinkleberry.”

“Okay, whatever you say Andy, you tell me to shoot her and I will.”

Andy was quick to respond, “What? None of that just yet, let’s go talk to her first and see what else she may have for us.”

“ Okay Andy, You just nod or something to let me know when to splatter brains.”

Andy exploded, “Goddamn it, Barney, do not shoot this lady unless I just come right out and say blow her fucking head off! You got that??”

Finally the deputy recognized the command, “So that’s the signal. I got it Andy.” He held up his fingers in an “OK” until Andy told him to fucking stop.

The two men climbed the steps to her house and knocked on the door. When no one answered the men became suspicious and rushed inside. Both men frantically searched the house but found nothing until Barney noticed an open door in the back and went to investigate.

Barney shouted, “Just as I thought. I always figured Mrs. Dinkleberry to be a coke whore and as I live and breathe here’s the proof.”

Andy walks over to see for himself what has happened. There on the floor was Mrs. Dinkleberry, slashed to bits.

The sheriff cried, “My sweet lord, it’s already been here! Now I know what we are dealing with: A creature filled with hate, a creature from hell!!

Barney’s reply was steeped in sadness, “Damn shame, Andy, she made a good apple pie every church bake sale. Gonna be a bitter year, yes sir.”

Andy sank to the floor in tears, his sobs heavy. Soon this drives Barney into another room as the good sheriff cried in sorrow at the task that lay ahead.

At the dawn of the next day Sheriff Andy and his trusty sidekick, Barney Fife, mounted horses and rode full speed into the lagoon. The two men brandished swords along with thick armor and two pistols strapped to their mighty steeds.

Barney said, “Last time I was this excited was the time the teenagers ransacked my dad’s floor mill so they could make moonshine and then started playing violins and made a dance out of it all!”

“ Sounds exciting Barney, how did your father take all of this?”

Barney chuckled as he continued, “He laughed at first but after they stayed around for three hours he became angry and insulted. I remember when he started beating the kids, one of them shit his pants right before my father hit his balls with a hammer.”

Andy proclaimed, “Amazing! So what ever happened to the mill after all of this?”

Deputy Fife answered, “We moved here after father lost his ability to function due to an illness we now believe to have been elphantitus of the spine. He basically lost control of everything after that and sort of just faded away.

The Sheriff said, “Sounds like you had it tough out there, kid, but today we’re gonna settle the score with that fucking monster! Remember your father’s mill as your sword pierces his neck!

The men rode deep within the swamp, searching for some sign that the creature had passed this way. It was several hours before they happened upon a cave just beyond the borders of the black lagoon.

Andy studied the situation carefully and then, rubbing his chin, he said, “If I was a creature I’d be in that cave right there” Turning to Barney he asked, “Why don’t you go check around it, Fife, and I’ll stand guard so he don’t sneak up and bite your head off?”

His deputy’s chest puffed out, “Sounds like a dare to me Andy. Are you daring me to go over there and look inside that cave?”

“That is unless you think you’re too scared to do it.”

With indignation Barney said, “I do not believe that I know the meaning of the word scared. Now excuse me while I go investigate this cave.”

Andy smiled as Barney dismounted his stallion and strutted off toward the cave. Before he sat down to level his rifle at the cave, the Sheriff unscrewed his plastic leg to get a drink of coffee. Suddenly he heard a low grumble from inside the cave.

Barney screamed, “I see the fucking thing, it’s coming at me Andy!”

Andy yelled back, “Hold on partner, I’m coming! Just pretend you’re dead!”

The Sheriff reattached his leg and ran as fast as he could toward the sounds of terror coming from his deputy. He brandished a large Bowie knife as he ran screaming into the dark cave.

The creature had long since caught up with Barney and the two were battling it out in a spectacular duel of various martial art combat style frenzy. Barney almost triumphed executing a dangerous Boa strike with an extra sharp mince dagger to the ribs. Unfortunately, he was countered with a twisted metal claw hammer with a four split shank assembly and a taste of a twin carbide automatic whip function.

With Barney now almost severed in half Andy made a desperate choice, he decided not to wait for the reinforcements but to rush in and fight.

Andy struck the beast quickly from behind with a sumo chop to the kidneys, flipping over the creature Andy again struck from the rear. Wielding his large sword he smashed it down upon the head of the beast.

The creature was not affected. It clasped his massive hands around Andy’s neck and tossed him aside. The beast turned to find Barney struggling to reach his pistol. The monster's giant claw swipes the neck of Barney removing his head and sending it flying into a mound of ants.

Andy watches in agony as his deputy's body is eaten by the goonie monster, the very munching of bone makes him ill. He vomited several times before attempting to stand. The pain is deep as he realizes that his ribs are broken. All of them. It’s like he’s jelly in the middle and it could mean death, pretty quick if he doesn't find help.

“Hey, you son of a bitch, you think I’m just gonna lay here while you eat my partner then you’re mistaken! Hey look at me!”

The creature paused from its meal and charged at Andy, the grunts were angry and filled with stink. Andy still had his knife, he stabbed the beast repeatedly as he in return was ferociously clawed in the face and neck.

Andy pushed the creature off onto the ground. He managed to kick him a few times in the face before bringing the knife down straight into its heart. A huge geyser of black blood shot up into the air and sprayed Sheriff Andy Taylor right in the nostrils.

This made Andy choke and he loosened his hold on the knife just for a moment. That was enough for the creature to shove a small tree into the knife wound to staunch the flow of blood. Though weakened, it was still a worthy fucking adversary and it dragged its razor sharp claws across Andy’s back. The sheriff shouted for all the gods to hear his plea.

“Great Mars, surely you hide your face in shame after seeing my struggles here today! Grant me your favor and I pledge to sacrifice my only son to honor you!” Andy wasn’t kidding, he would really do it. Anything to get rid of this goddamned goonie monster once and for all.

It seemed his prayer was answered when the creature from the black lagoon staggered towards him and then dropped to its knees. Andy took advantage and slit the bastard’s throat with his franklin mint bowie knife. The death scream rattled the windows back at Mayberry and the Charlie Deacons posse knew then that the battle was over, the town was safe. They broke into an impromptu jamboree there in the middle of the swamp.

Andy walked up with the creature’s head stuck on the end of his knife blade and told them it was time to return home.

“There will be a festival in Mayberry this night. A fire will be lit and I will sacrifice Opie to honor my oath to great god Mars. The Monster is dead, gentlemen, hallelujah!“