To Love You

I am aware that the probablity of a relationship between us is slim to none, yes, so why can't I let go? I find myself getting lost in her eyes, and her in mine, yet I'm quite unable to draw a line. At too many moments her and I tend to question ourselves, questioning whether our feelings for eachother are too selfish or self concieved to carry out. In the fantasy land we lose ourselves in at times, they are not, yet in reality, we are stricken with the honest brutality that there are too many innocent lives that can be affected by our love. This strikes a painful chord with both of us, yes, but we cannot help but constantly contradict ourselves and it seems we continue do so as time goes on.

We, as humans, or the takers, believe that there is a certain sense of control we must maintain within our lives. This though, control, is merely impossible, given that we have no control over life altering events that create circumstance. The greatest alterations in our lives could be sparked by the tiniest of events that are completely out of our hands. This, to me, is the story of life, as it unfolds, chapter by chapter, moment by moment, until our actual demise.

So I ask not in curiosity, yet in pure need and desperation, what do you do when circumstance does not allow you to live your life the way you'd like, and you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard spot? Do you supress your true feelings and try to live your life as though you're in control? How exactly do you react when you share this uncomfortability with another soul, who you love dearly, and has the ability to freeze time with a single kiss? Do you share your feelings with that other person or simply let them be?

I couldn't stop myself from kissing her softly that night and telling her how I really felt. The words flowed freely, as I closed my eyes, and explained between short, passionate kisses, the reason I had said we may never have sex. I whispered in a sincere voice, that there was an underlying fear that sexual fulfillment may trigger me to fall in love with her. I read her thoughts as she kissed my lips, and asked me why loving her would be so bad. My heart began to speak and so did I. "I think It's too late." She kissed me again and I spoke soft now, asking how she felt about me loving her. After a long pause she responded, "I love you too", and I knew then, it was true. I would have known reguardless at that moment, even if she hadn't spoken a word back to me, that we were in love, and that given better circumstance, we could possibly build a lasting relationship together. My heart raced with 4 simple words, and I felt incredible for that short moment, as I pulled away from her lips and kissed her temple. Leaving her with three soft, healing kisses to the head, and one last to her sensuous lips, I then turned away, as if nothing had just happened.

Yes, now we know the truth, yet still, it changes nothing. I'm ok with that, sometimes, but today, I would love to spoil her with the love of a perfect girlfriend. I'm well aware that this thought is somewhat but a dream, and it's crazy to say, but reality has seemed to alter my way of practical thinking. Reality has allowed me live out my most beautiful dream yet fear my ugliest of nightmares, all with a single soul, and now, left with questions only time can answer, I wait.