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Sterk's? Tacos? Islands? SIGN ME UP! |
Everything had been nothing short of crappy the past few months. I lost my job at the airport when I got busted playing with my Game Boy instead of mindlessly checking bags. I was forced to get a job a âSterkâs Super Foodsâ a couple of miles from my house. The job sounded okay at first⌠bagging groceries and grabbing carts for the minimalist of wages and all. But upon working there for a week, more jobs were piled me. Mopping the disgusting bathroom floors for instance. Filled condoms, used toilet paper, and dirty magazines everywhere. All of which had to be picked up by hand. Made you sick just looking at it. And for a place that served food, it wasnât very clean. They took some of the meat and fruit that had been eaten by mice, repackaged it, and put it on the bargain rack. The place constantly reeked of fish, which was strange because we didnât serve fresh fish. I never even wanted to eat in the break room because it smelled a little worse then the bathroom at the Randolph street stop. So, I ended up eating outside, no matter how damn cold it might have gotten. Iâd much rather be near that wine-o that lived under the bench that sold crack anyway. One day, I was eating my bagged lunch during my fifteen minute break and that wine-o, Rudy, walked up to me. âChange your mind today? Iâm running a special.â He said. I smiled, âNo, I got enough problems already. Thanks for the offer though.â âNo problem. I know how it is, working and all.â I glared at him, âSure you do.â âSeriously, Iâve worked around lots of idiots and assholes my entire life. So I just said, screw it. I quit, and Iâm gonna go places in life. Thatâs what made the man you see before you today.â There was an awkward silence, âIs that supposed to be a good thing.â I said. âI guess, I canât tell the difference between night and day no more no how⌠Itâs the last day Iâm gonna be here. Iâm moving on. To the promised land.â âWacker Drive? I hear they got heat down there now.â âNo,â Rudy said, âTaco Island.â I stared âTaco Island?â Rudy stood up, âYeah man, itâs the fabled promised land, home to the bottomless well of Tortillas. And the rare taco shrubs and Burrito trees. And a fountain drink dispenser that doesnât produce foam⌠but itâs still carbonated.â I looked at my watch, âWellp⌠my break is over. Iâll be seeing ya.â Rudy slipped a piece of paper in my pocket. âFollow it to the land of many tacos my brother. Iâll see you there.â He said. If he was going to be there it will become the paradise that Hawaii is now. When I got back inside, my supervisor, Chris was waiting for me. Wait a second⌠heâs not my supervisor. Heâs not even supposed to be here! Whatâs going on? âYouâre fifteen seconds late from break.â He said with a cheesy, corn-fed grin on his face. The man was out to get me I swear it. âYeah Chris,â I said, âI kinda got caught up out there.â âMake sure that shit doesnât happen again or youâre fired. Understand shitbag?â Not only did his blowhard not have the authority to fire me. He didnât even have the authority to write my schedule. But I held my head down in clocked back in. I went back to work. I asked people if they wanted paper or plastic, and was frustrated beyond belief when idiots asked for both. At about 2:45 PM, one lady wanted a little too much from me in terms of bagging. âHello young man,â she said nicely. âI want everything in one bag. But I donât want the bag to be too heavy.â I shuttered. âBut thatâs not possible. It has to be one or the other.â The lady threw her purse down, âYou listen to me young man! Iâm your elder! You obey me!â Joan, my boss intervened and told me to go outside and grab carts. I wasnât too thrilled to ever go outside, with the liquor store next door and everything. I pushed open the âautomaticâ door and went towards the carts scattered about throughout the parking lot. The lot was on a slope, so carts would roll to their doom if you didnât set them up right. As I said before, we were located right next to a liquor store⌠and sometimes people like to drink before they drive off. I remembered this when an Escalade came barreling towards me. I dived over a lime Cavalier as carts scattered everywhere. People stared, and my co-workers were cracking up. At least the male ones were. âScrew all of this shit!â I yelled. Then went inside to the upstairs office to talk to Joan. She was a tad perturbed that her best puppy was leaving. âWe need you here,â she said, âWe couldnât have gotten this far without you. Youâre the only bagger that actually works around here.â Joan was fidgeting in her chair and looking out the one way window at the store below us. âSorry,â I said. âIâm that employee that will eventually get to the point that they brutally sodomise you and burn your house down.â Mercedes, my supervisor was counting some drawers behind me, when I said that very stupid phase, she turned around. âJoe, Iâm with you on that one, I see you going crazy down there. But you shouldnât quit, youâre a nice guy. I just wish you were older.â A very uncomfortable thing for your supervisor to say to you⌠ever⌠âUh, thanks Mercedes, but I think Iâll leave.â But I did quit, I know had a new mission. I went home and pawned everything I owned⌠except for my sombrero because itâs cool and filled up my red hobo stick with all the root beer I could. But for some root beer and hobo cloths donât go well together. As I walked down the paved path to adventure, I looked back at Sterkâs, then preyed death upon the idiots that worked there. Three hours later, I had rented my boat and floated out to sea⌠or should I say the lake. It had a hole here and there, but on a baggerâs budget⌠you canât buy much. As the shore got smaller and smaller, the bat sank deeper and deeper. An hour passed, and the boat was nearly submerged. I cupped my hands and tried to lose some, but no luck. I began to go under, but no luck. As I talk my last breath, I took in some water, but it tasted strange. âSalsa! Itâs taco bell salsa!â I screamed. There was an island out in the distance; the smell of meat filled the air. I had finally found home. I hopped into the fiery sea and went for it. The sea burned my eyes. I couldnât see. Man I did I want a large soft drink of my choice right then. I feel on the shore and got a mouthful of sand. âKick ass! Cinnamon twists.â Tired from the swim I decided to take a nap on the cinnamon sand. But my dream had finally come true. A place I could call my own. Taco Island. As I came to and cinnamon favored sand, I saw two shadows above me. âHey! Dog, the dudeâs up.â A high, nasally voice said. âDonât forget about those seasonings.â Another figure walked up to me and licked my face. I sprung up, âHey, who are you morons? I thought I got away from Sterkâs management.â I was surprised to find an orange cat and a blue dog in front of me. The dog was holding a book called âTo Serve Man.â What do you intend to do with that? I said. âWe were going to eat you. But since youâre still alive, weâre just gonna wait until⌠One, you kill yourself. Two, the Enrique, the Taco King would. Heâs bored from the serious lack of wars going on.â âHe defeated the Burger King in mortal combat. Used pads and magazines everywhere⌠very tasty when you put salt on them.â I walked over to a palm tree and sat down. The animals followed my âOkay, just who are you two?â I said. âIâm Nacho. And the dog⌠Heâs Dog, my dawg from da west side.â âThatâs it. Iâm outa here.â I said. I started to walk towards the sea again. But stopped when I heard a bell. Nacho and Dog froze. âThe Taco BellâŚâ Nacho said. âWhat the hell are you talking about?â Dog laughed, âSomeoneâs about to get executed! I hope its death by Burritoâs again. The last dude literally shit himself to death. It was so funny.â Come on to town at least man! Maybe we can get you ride home.â Nacho said, and then he ran into the woods after dog. I took off after them. The woods smelled of restaurants, like many meats mixed together in an orgy of mouth watering goodness. Hey was, that a taco? I stopped and picked a taco off one of the trees. It wasnât hot. Nacho ran back to me, âHurry up! Or weâll miss it! Besides, the tacos arenât ripe yet. Theyâll give you the runs for sure.â When we reached the town, it resembled that of a suburban âdowntownâ area. Buildings looked like they were about fifty-plus years old and still had those billboards that were painted on the side. Everyone was assembled around the town square. I and Nacho shoved our way to the front. And on his knees a few feet from me was Rudy, the loveable bum. âHey there man. As you can see I ran into a little trouble. But remember Iâm⌠âGoing places⌠I know.â I said. âLooks like youâre going to be dead in a few minutes. See ya.â Rudy grabbed my leg, âYou canât leave me here. Iâll stop selling fake watches! I promise!â A giant taco-man stepped between me and Rudy. The taco-man was equipped with two giant eyes in the middle of its shell. âStep back infidel!â It yelled. âAw, shit.â I said, âA talking taco. My worst nightmare has come true.â Dog nudged me from behind, âDude shut up⌠Thatâs how your buddy got in this predicament.â âMy friend is a dumb ass.â I said, âAnd Iâm not letting some Mexican side dish boss me around!â âIs that so?â Taco-Man said. I stepped up closer to it. âYeah, because I am a Untied States citizen! I have the right to be where I want, when I want and how I want. And as a human being, I assume you all feel the exact same way.â When I woke up, I was in a jail cell. Nacho and Dog were outside the bars. âYouâre in deep shit now bro.â Nacho said. âBut you did save that bum. Iâm proud of you for standing up to that jerk. Not many folks around here have balls like that.â âYou mean like the ones I canât feel?â I said, âWhere is that guy anyway? I need to kick his ass.â Dog looked at the cell next to mine; Rudy was in there, drinking the water out of a toilet. âIt tastes better then that boxed wine I get!â Rudy said. I threw my head, âYou idiot! Theyâre probably getting ready to drip us to some bubbling cauldron of doom, or make us eat Arbyâs.â âArbyâs!?â Rudy said, âWe gotta get outa here now!â Nacho grabbed the bars, âThere is someplace you can go⌠but itâs risky. Itâs called Chalupa Mountain.â I hit my head on the wall, âAnother Mexican dish themed location. Whatâs the name of this town away? Burritoville?â Nacho and Dog turned away a little and scratched their heads. I stood up âThatâs it, Iâm getting outa here. Open the gates will ya Nacho and Dog?â Dog looked around, âThere are cameras everywhere. Unless Nacho distracts the guards.â âAlready done,â Nacho interrupted, âI gave them a DVD of the original episodes of âUltramanâ. Theyâre not gonna be waking up for a while.â The bars sprang open and we all ran outside. It was dark now, and only the glare of the streets pierced the fog. âSoâŚâ Rudy said, âWe going to that mountain?â âWe donât have any other choice.â I said, âIâm guessing Nacho and Dog will be coming with us.â âNot meâŚâ Dog said, âI have a Jinga tournament in the morning. Winner gets out of rehab! So Iâll see you around.â Dog walked into the darkness and disappeared. âWell, looks like itâs just us.â Nacho said. âOnwards!â Nacho, with his excellent night vision lead us on our journey though the forest. Stopping only every hour or two to eat some ripe tacos from the trees. As day broke, we spotted a large mass blocking the sun. âThatâs Chalupa Mountain.â Nacho said, âThere might be a way for you guys to get out of here up there.â I continued to stare at the mountain, âThanks Nacho. Weâll take it from here.â I and Rudy began to walk towards the mountain. Nacho followed. âDamn it cat!â Rudy said, âWe said you could go home!â Nacho frowned, âI kinda just gave some cops a seizure. I canât show my face back there. So Iâm gonna go back to the USA with you guys. They have talking cats there donât they.â âYeah!â Rudy said, âI hear cats talking all the time.â âUh, yeahâŚâ Nacho said, âBut if weâre gonna go anywhere, we got get to the Masterâs Keep at the top of the mountain. So⌠there you have it, our adventure continues, up the mountainside. Chalupa Mountain was really strange; it was like a hard shell taco and crumbled as we climbed. âDamn,â I said, âHow much farther do we have to go?â Nacho looked down on me from a ledge overhead, âItâs only a few dozen feet. Weâll be done in no time flat.â After another good hour or two of climbing. We came upon the summit. âA couple feet huh Nacho?â Rudy said. Nacho looked around âI could have been off by a couple of yardsâŚâ Rudy collapsed on his knees, âYards my ass!â There was a sign in front of us that said, âTo Burritoville,â and pointed down a path. I looked at Nacho, âLet me get this shit straight⌠you had us climbing up a near vertical slope for over an hour and a half, when thereâs a path with concession stands right next to us?â Nacho looked around, âSo whatâs your point? We got to pet the goat on the way up.â âI say we eat him!â Rudy said, âAnd make chili⌠and potato salad. We could make sandwiches!â Nacho frowned, âI think Iâm worth a little more then that. If Iâm eaten, I refuse to be slathered between two rolls like I was at âSubwayâ. I demand to be put between two slices of Quiznos Chabota bread. You know how many herbs and spices they used? Huh!?â I stepped between the bickering twosome, âGuys, guys, Iâm sure if we put our heads together, we can think offâŚâ I noticed something, âHey! A Walgreenâs!â Yes, even on a mountain on some lost island, thereâs a Walgreenâs. For when the world isnât always perfect. Proudly serving the United States of America. As we came though the automatic doors, we were greeted by the trademark elevator music and those âAs Seen on TVâ items. You could get refreshing âWalgreenâsâ beverages or pick up your prescription in the drive through. But however, Nacho informed us on way this wasnât any normal, everyday Walgreenâs. âThey have sport coats in here.â He said. And put on a loud yellow one that fit Nacho perfectly, âDo I look sexy in this. Tell me true.â âNo, it is loud and obnoxious you dumb ass!â someone said in the next aisle. Nacho looked around angrily âWhat the hell? Nobody clowns Nacho!â Nacho ran into aisle five, the deodorant aisle and froze. Me and Rudy followed close behind. âWhatâs wrong cat?â Rudy said. Nacho was shivering, âIts Enrique⌠the Taco King!â âLooks like my Right Guard will have to waitâŚâ Enrique said. âSo we finally meet.â Rudy said. âHoly cream of wheat!â Enrique said, âItâs the Pasta Master!â âYes,â Rudy said, âI am the pasta master, for I have finished the leftover pasta! Except for one bowl. A bowl which was stolen from me when I was but a child. Without that bowl, I was forced into exile in the pit of the earth, âSterkâs Super foodsâ⌠but I planned to get my revenge, then go back in time and live a better life using your time control technology!â âUh⌠Rudyâ I said, âHeâs a asleep.â The Taco King had fallen asleep during the monologue. Rudy was angry a little bit, âWake up you stupid idiotâŚ! Ahem⌠as I was saying⌠I challenge you to mortal combat!â âTechno Syndromeâ started playing in the background for some reason⌠âI accept your challenge mortal!â Enrique said. Enrique and Rudy both ran outside, I decided this would be a good time for me and Nacho to check on this âtime machine.â âWhere would they be?â I said. âAisle 13, next to the hemorrhoid cream.â Nacho said. So, after picking up some hemorrhoid cream, we check out the time machine. âAccording the manualâ Nacho said, âThis newer model uses âTerminatorâ rules, the model you can reserve uses âBack to the Futureâ rules, and the older model uses âTime Riderâ rules that are just plain stupid.â Just then, Rudy came sliding on his back down the aisle. âIâm sorry, Iâve failed.â He said. âHe chucked⌠so many burgers at me⌠that Ultimate Double Whopper⌠so damn many calories⌠damn you cows for you burgers and your cheese! Damn all cows to cow hell! Whatever the hell cow hell might be! Aw⌠hell. What the hell, Iâm saying hell to much. Hell with it. Enrique walked towards us with two âDouble Whoppersâ in his hands. âItâs feeding time. Open wide!â He said. âThat many calories will go straight to your ass. Very unhealthyâŚâ Rudy said. âGet away while you still canâŚâ âNo,â I said, âI wouldnât have gotten to appreciate where I came from if it werenât for you. I owe you one.â âThen focus inside your heart. Bring out your inner junk food⌠my pasta was healthy, so it had no effect. Maybe youâll have better luck. Cheese masterâŚâ Thatâs right kids. I was the destined cheese master who was to bring balance to the universe. I closed my eyes and I could see a can of aerosol cheese. I put my hands in front of me and screamed really loud. They do that in Anime, so it must increase power or some shit. Anyways, a huge blast of cheese came from my hand and hit Enrique. âCheddar cheese! That ruins tacos! No! Iâm melting! So Americano! No me gusta! Donde esta es me pantalones?â He melted in with the cheese right before my eyes. It was pretty cool actually. Rudy surveyed the defeat. âWell, I guess I can finally take control of this island and rule it with an iron fist. Enjoy Sterkâs shitbags.â Rudy picked both of us up and threw us in one of the old model time machines. Then everything went black. When I woke up, I was in front of Sterkâs. With a Lime Cavalier next to me. Joan was standing over me. âFucking drivers.â She said, âYou okay Joe?â âYeah⌠Iâm not dead am I?â I said. âNo, now go on home. Youâve had quite a bit of a shock.â I sat up on the curb. âYes⌠I think Iâll do that.â Joan opened the front door and turned around âAnd Mercedes has the hots for you. You know that right? She wants to know if youâre okay.â I was suddenly feeling a lot better about then and ran all the way home. When I got home. Nacho was waiting for me. âDamn it furrball!â I said, âHow the hell did you find my house?â Nacho stared at me and meowed, eyes begging for affection. Then he snorted and walked away. âFrom now on, things will be different.â I said, âIâm gonna see what other things I can do with these cheese powers.â |