Be Yourself

Be yourself! Be myself, what does that mean? Who am I? Am I really simply who I am willing to be when around others? Or am I who I am when I am alone? Or even more am I who I am when I am with my family? Know thyself!!

Aaaah! I do not understand why I am afraid to be who I think I am, why are there parts of me that I keep hidden, we are all fallen human beings. All human beings trying to figure out how to live, love, and how to do both of those things along side each other. It would then make sense that those things would be easier if we weren’t so afraid of what others thought, or it would be easier if I wasn’t afraid of loosing other’s love and care. It shouldn’t matter though because if they stop caring about me and loving me because of something I do or say than their love was not worth having in the first place. But that does not help, I do not want to scare anyone away. Oh my goodness this is all rooted in selfishness. Being too selfish to completely trust people and to be completely honest with them. Oh but what would happen if I was??? The unknown has always intrigued me, but this time not knowing the results of being totally comfortable and totally myself, scares me more than I can express. I always talk about how important honesty is to me and yet I am unwilling to be honest about who I am. I really wish that I could accept people’s unconditional love and not be afraid to have a conversation they aren’t enjoying, or write a paper that they don’t enjoy, or cook them a meal that they don’t care for, or tell them a story that they don’t find interesting or a joke they don’t laugh at, or do something that they think is crazy, or just for goodness sake be myself around them!!! Oh Lord help me, free me from this bondage that I have put myself in, rescue me from my selfish fearful sin.

“Sometimes it’s embarrassing to talk to you, to hold a conversation with someone who seems to see right through this version of myself that I hide behind.” Yes I am hiding and it hurts to have to hide from you. But I’m not quite sure how to stop hiding. I need your help, you need to draw me out by showing me that I can indeed trust you. Because since I am fallen I am not going to trust you with this part of me until I know that the results will be good. But I do not really know if I want to be sure of the results because deep down the mystery is exciting! Very exciting, I just have to be willing to take the plunge, the first step.