Between Friends

Special Note for reviewers:  I would appreciate male and female feedback, but this article is of particular interest to women, and there are some points that may be unclear from a male perspective.  I'm having some difficulty editing this piece for concision.  I'm also having trouble striking a balance between an over-conversational tone and one that's overly didactic.  I would love to hear your suggestions on pacing, order, and how I might improve the conclusion so it doesn't sound like "You too can be great at making friends!" (Yech).



Between Friends

         I met Lottie in the elevator the day she moved in to my building in Los Angles.  She was eight feet tall, blonde, gorgeous, and outgoing.  I helped her move in and we struck up an instant friendship.  A few weeks after we met, I was at her apartment when her friend David came over.  He started flirting with me, and then he asked me out.  And the weirdest thing happened, Lottie starting pointing out my flaws to the guy and making fun of me right in front of him.  She was a hot model, but suddenly she saw me as a threat!  He wasn’t even on her radar, but she turned Paris Hilton on me because I challenged her position as top bi-atch.  After that, she was in contstant competition with me, dropping names of all the celebrities she knew, and bragging about every. single. guy. who asked her out.  She even started picking apart my looks and my weight.  Her insecurity sabotaged our friendship.

“It’s hard for other women to be friends with me because I’m sooo pretty.”  Ladies, if you have ever uttered these words, please hang your heads in shame, and read on.
 
Is it true?  Do pretty women really have it any harder than the rest of us?  Have we burned our bras and come all this way to ultimately rival each other for the Almighty Male?  In her book The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, MD, discusses how women with high levels of certain androgens (a type of hormone) relate to female sexual competition.  According to Dr. Brizendine, those with high levels of an androgen called androstenedione (which can also peak during stages of the menstrual cycle) are generally more sexually competitive, regardless of whether or not they are seen as beautiful.  This aggression, realized or subconscious, can makes it difficult for these women to reach-out socially1. 
New research suggests the average woman has two or fewer close friends (one of the two being a husband or boyfriend)!  Whether it’s competitive nature, personality type, or busy schedules that hold us back, we owe it to ourselves and each other to become allies.  Good friends keep you sane; they lend support, improve your self-esteem, and according to the Saturday Evening Post2, they can even decrease your chances of dying from heart-disease.
In last year’s bestseller YOU: The Owner’s Manual3,  authors Michael F. Roizen, M.D., and Mehmet C. Oz, M.D., introduce us to the “RealAge” factor(6-7).  Endorsed by the likes of Oprah Winfrey, the RealAge concept states that based on your lifestyle, you can actively lower or raise the effects of aging on your body and mind.  According to the authors, “creating a strong social network is paramount and raises the level of your immune system” (288),  and that “you can … have a major impact on your youth by reducing stress in your life with friendship.”  The authors further assess that by reducing stress, you can take decades off your RealAge (93). 
Ever wonder why Sex and the City was such a phenomenon?  Besides the fashion and smut, we love the friendship between Carrie and the girls.  The last time most of us saw a movie about making friends, it was probably an after-school-special.  Sex and relationships abound in movies and magazines; by the time you’re twelve, you can be a proficient French-kisser if you do your homework.  But, when it comes to the heterosexual girlfriend stuff, we fall short. 
If you already have a group of girlfriends, you’re ahead of the curve, but you may want to consider the depth of those relationships; if you feel they lack depth, here are a few suggestions to help you determine if they are worth reviving or if it’s time to move on. 

Fix-up or Break-up?

When Mean Girls came to theatres, we learned a new vocabulary word = Frienemies.  (A hybrid of the words friends and enemies.)  Think you’ve got one or two?
Oscar Wilde once said “True friends stab you in the front.”  They save us from embarrassment and protect us from poor choices.  If your friend laughs at your misfortunes (unless you’re laughing too) she is not your friend!  How you feel about yourself when you’re with her is more important than how you feel about her.  If you find yourself discussing other women with her in a petty and idle way, it’s a good indication that your self-esteem is low when you’re with her.  Above all, go with you instincts. You are the expert when it comes to your happiness. 
If you think it’s time to end a bad friendship, give yourself and your friend closure.  Instead of making excuses not to hang out with her, end things the way you would with a boyfriend.  Actually meet with her or call her on the phone and explain that the “relationship” isn’t working for you any more,  You don’t have to tell her all the reasons why, if you’re not comfortable, but at least let her know you won’t be calling any more.  While it might be difficult to make that call, she doesn’t deserve to be strung along, and you’ll save yourself from pressure and guilt down the road.   
Likewise, ask yourself if you’ve been “dumped”.  Remember Greg Behrendt’s wildly popular book: He’s Just Not that Into You?  This book taught us to stop rationalizing when a guy fails to call, (“He’s just really busy”; “He doesn’t want to come on too strong”) and acknowledge that maybe the relationship wasn’t meant to happen.  Take this same honest approach and apply it to your other relationships, i.e. your friendships. 
After you’ve weeded your garden of  “Frienemies”, if you find yourself in need of new friends, you may not know where to begin.

How to Meet Women if you’re not Gay
(Hey, even if you are)

         Start by changing your perspective.  Stop picking other women apart; try seeing them for their good qualities.  Once you make that a habit, your self-esteem will rise and you’ll naturally attract positive people.  Meet women who have similar interests by introducing yourself at the gym, in class, or any other place you frequent.  Associate with women you admire (this is different from those who make you feel inferior).  And forget your preconceived notions about age, race, looks, occupation or income level, or any others you may have.  These are your sisters! 
         If you have trouble starting a conversation, take a page from the guy’s book. 
Picture it: “Hey bro, you see the game last night?” and BAM! instant conversation.  Okay, that’s oversimplifying it, but the key is this: find a universal conversation starter.  Next time you’re stuck in line at the grocery store, try asking the woman behind you to hand you a tabloid with a racy headline, then ask what she thinks about it. 
Once you’ve made some connections, do something you all (or both) enjoy, or try something new together like an Asian cooking class or rock-climbing.  Try staging your own version of Guys Night; a standing weekly or monthly date where you get together to pig out and watch trashy TV on DVD, or simply get a night away from the boys (and work, and the kids, and your mother…).  And never, under any circumstances ditch your new friends for a date!  (Unless it’s planned well in advance.) 

Be a Great Friend

If your friendship is worth keeping, put a little effort into it.  A good friend is always worth making time for.  Call your friend to say hi, and not just to make plans or ask for a favor.  Remember important dates like her birthday and anniversary and learn more about what she does for work and what her hobbies and talents are.  If you think you’ve been a bad friend, apologize for your negligence and ask what you can do to improve from now on, assuming she’s willing to give you another chance. 
In an increasingly automated world, the need for companionship is greater than ever.  Underneath our austere and competitive exteriors, we are hard-wired to connect.  After all, how do you think we fended off those pesky cavemen? 
         

1 – Brizendune, Louann, M.D.,  The Female Brain.  (54-55) Random House: New York, 2006
2 – “For Women: Friends and Pets are Good for the Heart” Saturday Evening Post
May-June 2005
3 – Roizen, Michael F., M.D., and Mehmet C. Oz, M.D., YOU: The Owner’s Manual;  An Insider’s Guide to the Body That Will Make You Healthier and Younger. Harper Hollins: New York, 2005