Robbing Shops for Dummies, On Sale, $30

“Do what I say and no body will get hurt alright? Sit down, with your hands on your head, and shut up.”
Everybody screamed.
The man behind the counter stood paralysed, staring at this strange man who had stepped foot into his corner store, waving a gun all over the place. Clearly it was a fake, you could tell. You could easily tell it was made out of plastic.
“What the flippin’ hell did I say? I said sit down and shut up. Would you like me to spell it out for you?”
The man smiled.
“Sit down, you non English speaking man or I will shoot you. Did you understand what I just said?” The strange man was getting frustrated now.
The man continued to smile, then finally he spoke, “I can’t understand, what you saying.”
“For god’s sake, it sounded so easy in the instruction manual. It said, walk into a shop, any one will do, walk up to the counter, wave a gun around, if you didn’t own a gun, use a fake one, they’re all guaranteed to work, demand for money and in no time at all you’ll have at least 100 smackeroos and a couple of packets of smokes. It said it all in the ‘Robbing for Dummies’ book. I had to pick a shop with this stupid dumbarse non English speaking Asian. Clearly God is not on my side today.”
The robber paced up and down the toiletry product aisle in frustration, knocking packets of pads off the shelf as he went by.
“I payed frickin’ 30 bucks for that book, and it turned out to be a total piece of-“
“Ever thought that it might be the person who bought it and not the book at all?” said one of his hostages.
The robber looked around with a look of disgust on his face, “What did you say…?” he snarled.
“I said, have you ever thought it might you, and not the book that is a complete failure?”
The robber raised his gun and pointed it to the lady who made this ghastly comment to him.
“Go ahead, shoot me. Well, you can try; I know that gun is a fake.”
The robber looked at his gun, and then looked at her. He then pelted the gun at the ground and it smashed into a million pieces.
“You’re all gay you know that? You’re all retarded.”
The person behind the counter was still standing there smiling.
“I suppose you’re going to call the cops now, huh? Yeah, yeah see if I care. Hey that rhymes,” he smiled, “my life is a complete waste of time anyway. I can’t even rob a corner shop without making a complete fool of myself. This is all gay.”
He picked up the phone and dialled 000.
“Hello, which service would you like? Press 1 if you would like the police. Press 2 if you would like the ambulance. Press 3 if you would like the fire services, after the beep.” A few second went by and there was finally a beep.
“Gosh, you wouldn’t wanna be in a big emergency would you?” said the robber to his hostages, “Far out, I forgot what she said. I think it was 1 if you want the police.” The robber pressed 1.
“Hello, my name is Lindy and you have reached the police service, how can I help you?”
“Oh my god, it’s a real person and not a robot. Ah hello, I have just made a complete dick of myself and I would like to turn myself in.”
“Oh yes I see, I need your details of your current situation, your name and current address.”
“Nick Ensley, Sunshine Road General Supplies 32 Sunshine Road, Leana Hunah.”
“Thank you. The police will be with you in just a moment.”

A short while later, there were sirens in the distance.
“Geesh, that was quick, great service.”
Two cops got out of their police cars with their guns to attention, creeping around slowing, unaware of what might happen. Similar to Mission Impossible, all they needed was the theme song.
“Everybody freeze,” one cop screamed into the stop.
Everybody froze, except Nick, the crime committer.
“Here I am. I’m here. Don’t shoot. I’m turning myself in. It’s ok. I’m right here.”
“At it again I see Nick.”
Nick put his head down in shame, “yes, I am.”
“You should know the procedure by now. We take you to the station, ask you a series of questions, and you should be free to go. It’s not easy having a medical condition is it Nick?”
“I frickin’ hate having Robastoreaphrinea. It’s all gay. This is all gay!”
The cop’s side kick approached Nick and put handcuffs around his wrists, the cold metal causing him to jump.
“Geesh that’s cold.”
“You should be used to it now, eh Nick.”
“Not really.”
“Come on, we have to get you down to the station.” Both cops directed him out the door and into the police vehicle.
“You should get some medication for your condition Nick.”
“Yeah, well.”