Paris, You're Not At The Hilton

We interrupt the war in Iraq to bring you this special bulletin concerning...Paris Hilton!

It would appear that doing 'hard time' for reckless driving (while drunk) and violating her probation by driving on a suspended license (twice) has changed the Hilton Hotel airhead...er...heiress a great deal (or it may have been Elliott Mintz, her publicist who made her see the light)  Nevertheless, I feel that Paris Hilton should be rewarded for her show of remorse and the new leaf she has seemingly "turned over". In fact, I propose that we all show our support by donating  money to send her on a quail hunt with Dick Cheney.

According to the latest reports, poor Paris took a turn for the worse while in jail and decided to go home. (I'm guessing she needed to shave her legs. Her mother baked her a cake with a nail file hidden inside, however, a razor was too heavy to conceal.) She was reported to have been crying real tears, which I say might be good for her. Maybe she will develop an expression on her face.

“It was a horrible experience. I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage," Hilton told reporters.  (Gee, ya think?) 

"I was not myself," Hilton said. (In my humble opinion, this must have been a vast improvement.) She added that her skin was dry because she hadn't been allowed any moisturizer. Now if that isn't cruel and unusual punishment I don't know what is.

She also said that she hadn't looked into a mirror since she had been jailed. (No wonder she wasn't herself). Three whole days is a looooong time. And now she still has around 18 more days to go. I bet she won't even remember herself after she serves the complete three weeks.  She had requested a piece of "Martha Stewart jewelry" for her ankle so she could do her time at home, but Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer denied her request. So she was sent back to the pokey (which is a French word meaning, "the horrible place with no cosmetics").

Hilton’s lawyers had sought to have her released on grounds that the 26-year-old was suffering an unspecified medical condition. But Sauer suggested that her legs had always resembled pipe cleaners and that could be taken care of at jail medical facilities.

According to the latest reports, Paris told Barbara Walters that she had grown up a lot since going to jail three days ago, and would no longer act dumb. (Gee, I didn't even know she was acting! Give that woman an Oscar!) Paris also told Walters that she had become more spiritual. She will probably have a picture of  Mother Theresa tattooed on her back while she is wiling away the hours in this moisturizerless cage. That is if the skin on her back isn't too dried up and cracked.

Hilton also said she was "shocked" that the media had given such extensive coverage to her case. She said they should focus on other, more important issues like the war in Iraq, and who will replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

Stay tuned to local, national and regional news stations for an hourly report on Paris' dry skin and her rise to sainthood.

Now back to the war in Iraq.