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Lady Smittens Journally blog thingy |
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blog blob bog. This is my blog journal. everything here is true...unless it isn't. Reality is relitive to my internalization of the illussion of the world as I know it. I suspect your internilization of the words wrote here will be vastly different from my imaginary world view of the imaginary world. to be clear, what I'm saying is important. and I imagine you think the very same way. be careful to watch out for errors in grammer and spelling, it is a frightful reality it sure is. takes away all crediblity as a writer, it does. understand the importance of credibility if you wish to be famous...I say go against the line and wright it upside down afix your attention on art and original thought. be smarter than you think you are. oh and WELCOME |
| today Today holds everything and gives me no hope for tomorrow. I am in fear, emotional distress. I'l lost out, of my homes, that I traded for my death. I can't fully say why. The reasons are for to complicated. I hate being alive but, I remain, for two. I hate this feeling I cary around, total distuction of trust and betrayals unmentionable. I sit inside my dayly gloom waiting for the wheel to turn, but it's been rusted, by too much blood sweat and tears. I am a survivor. That is who I am not what I want to be. I shake, and feel the sickness take over my life. I climbed the hieghst mountains to be thrown violently off the other side. I have nothing left. I used to have it all, and now nothing. Why? what did I do to think I deserved this? I |
| All I want is a smoke. just that nothing more nothing less. They are mine after all. What made you GOD? PIG! sigh...oh you care about me . I know ...how sweet. THANK YOU!!!! now give me one of MY f'n smokes! PLEASE! I know you are doing what is best for me....uh huh yes I love you tooooo. just give it to me and I will shut up...okay? deal? no....How bout I just kick your ass??? how'd that be? Why do I fall in love with men like this? what the hell is wrong with me? sigh...1 day to go til i go. |
| It's freezing, the furnace is broke, no joke it's f'n broke. I don't live here, but here I am, 3 days more I'm here god damn. My bodies sick, my minds a fry...oh god please don't let me die... ha ha I think don't let me die, what a thought. I look around this worlds on fire. Take me Take me, I've no desire. To keep on moving through these days. And yet I have no strength to take my life. sigh... sigh...oh booo hooo I wanna cry. Oh wha wha.... poor me poor me. Sick and tierd and have to pee. oh god what sick twisted saidistic world you made.... sunfire and blast away this dream. and don't forget the mashmellows. Thanks God You f'n rock! |
| 8:05 Sunday Night. it's alright Monday eve The 1st day of the week. I remember saying this to my 4th grade teacher and being looked at like I was off my rocker. What did he know. I mean really, what day does come 1st? last? mid? Everyday is monday eve to me. |
| Well, any ideas? I mean s***... this life is sucking me dry. What the hell do I do? go away I say "Go away". I want a bus and a lap top and 50 bucks...that's it. anyone willing to donate e-mail me....anyone wanna come along then get on the bus and lets get outta here! |
| As all The energies aligne. I dream of being in class. My teacher is talking. But the words don't mean a thing to me. He sits down and the room becomes silent. I'm looking around the room. I have a work sheet in front of me...algebra.. or at least that's the class I'm suppsed to be in. The the letters and problems fit some strange form I've never seen befor. I get pissed. I look at the teacher who acts like asome kind of avalilist. I say. are you going to teach us this or not? do we at least get a book to reference this? suddenly I notice a book on my desk. He says looking at me like I'm tarded. and says ok class turn to page 337. a little girl comes over to me; she's about 9 years old, and says she forgot her book can she look at mine. I feel confused. what kinda brainiac child is this. I smile and say sure hon. I try to remember the page number after becoming disracted. I can't. Feeling more and more frustrated and incompitant of a subject I know backward and forward. The teacher is suddenly way ahead, beginning to teach. The little girl, is calm and helping me to find the page. We finaly do. The class is acting as though this is rediculas. and everyone is glairing at me. I don't care really. I have to learn this. I refuse to get a grade lower than a b+. I myself need to know this, good for you if you already do. The avangilist teacher has flat screen moniters behind him flashing with different images all are him and self praising of his excellece. They speack in turn, while he himself speck only of himself and his brilliance. I am trying so hard to figure out what is going on. he's talking like that trig teacher in Better Off Dead. everyone else seems to get it. I'm like, This class is waked. He's speaking words I understand, but put's them in some forgien order. I'm thinking what an egocentric ass. I'm suddenly sitting in a different spot and a different girl is sitting next to me. She looks at me and says "you're dumb". Though I really didn't take this personally, sense I felt exactly that and I know that I'm not as a person, "dumb". I look at her and say yea well you're fat and ugly", knowing that as a person she more than likely fealt this way. she reteats her eyes looking down intoher book. I see her inner conflict, but don't feel bad for what I said. instead, was sad for her that she believed this to be true of herself. I didn't really see her as fat or ugly. I was actually thinking how well her curvrd figure suited her and her face was more than beautiful. Her soft clear complection, the way she was drest and wanting to say I love those mode black glasses on you. No matter the class has been dismissed. I sit at my desk watching a few students talking to the avangelist mathmatician. I go sit next to him and ask him to please explain this material to me. He says in slowed dumbed down words, "how is your vocabulary. I think for a moment and say it's good. He says snottily, well it has to be as "good" as mine. I think what a pig. I'm going to drop this class and walk out. I hate the feeling I'm in. Frustrated, because I really don't want to drop this class.... I think I will get into another class. For some reason this feels imposible. I leave the campus, with the a dumed taste in my mind. Dream work: Dream work doesn't come from images. It's how the images made you feel that matters. I felt dumb, frustrated, missunderstood as well as looked down apone. I felt a need to do something about "it" but fealt as though I was stuck with two dicisions, neither of which made me feel any better. They were both equally unpleasent.. in diffrerent ways. I fealt bad for knowing how to bring down the girl who attempted to bring me down. I fealt bad for knowing what I said would ring true in her mind, she's thought this of herself for maybe her entire life. The words I chose to define her were already well understood by her ego brain...she agrees. She is an aspect of myself from many moons ago, the teacher is an aspect of myself from how I see my boyfriends interperetation of me. The little girl gave me a happy and sweet feeling, she is another aspect of me. I love the purity and unjugmental childs mind. oddly though she was wearing a very large clock around her neck that I gave little notice to....much how I live my life at the moment. I realize right now I am her. wearing a heavy time bomb around my neck and being child like not caring about it. I feel at this moment that I have got to bring time back into my world... now is the time. I wont be making it to springsamester if I don't get up off my ass. If I take nothing more than my algebra class I would be happy. I love numbers, and have lost sight of the functions, It makes my brain and heart hurt that numbers suddenly seem like a forgien language I onece new very well and now after a very short piriod of time and having lithium toxisity that stole frome me simple cognitive skills. I used to be a much better speller, and had a better memory. people now have to repeate things to me they just barely said. For me I can talk extra intellegently, but write and other simple former tasks frustrate my damaged mind. I'm trying so hard to help my mind rewire actually hoping I will achieve a higher intellectual level than before. I research everything. I have read that lithium causes the brain to increase in grey matter. I know that the most brillient people in history had gone through some type of brain possioning. I have a brother in law who suffered from severe brain dammage after a car accedent he spent 6 mo in ICU and another 6 in the hospital going through intensive cognitive therapy. He should have died he had less than 1% chance of servival, but his will was stronger than the doctors percentage. He never spoke any spanish before and suddenly speaks it fuently, he has no inhibitions at all. he smiles and laghs like never before. I think to myself....what a woderful job his mind did.... he is even better than her was before. he went through a lot of frustration and break downs to get where he's at today. He inspires me. His minds was almost dead. I hope that mine will do the same. enough said. |
| ex will give me anything as long as I do him sexual favors. This bothers me to say the least. As if I was his whore and worth nothing more. What an ass. He tries to control me....as 4 women call him for sex. He tells me tomorrow...now today he's gonna get some from chick # 2. I say good go F someone else. I'm you childrens mother. He asked me to sign over custody just so he could get his house. The child support was the only thing keeping him from quilifying...so I do this with the expressed understanding that it didn't mean anything. BUT, if he sees or hears about me with another man, her becomes fankinf***. He actually called my "boy friend" last night to tell him to come get me because I would F him...LOL, fool. Boyfriend's, cool as s***. I get on the phone with him, and say he wants me to leave because I wont suck him. he laughs.... "do you need me to come get you?" no, he'll feel stupid in the morning. "ok, just call if ya need help hon". so infantile ex, says I'm taking your hair dye...yea ok whatever. hairdye for sex....and he wonders why I tell him he doesn't love me... it's obssetion, and objectification. words that flow right over his head. unbelievable..... this is my life? good god. I could write a book, but no one would believe it was real...how could it be? |
| Changed my mind..bettles....thats...sorta better...really I'm pissed all my favs aren't here in this house, they are at someone else's house. I don't really want to go there, but I don't really want to be here either. I have went from wealthy owning selling and buying my own home at age 18, owning several commercial properties, not needing to work, though I did. I opened a tanning salon with my sister fowl! had that for 2 years then sold it. Became a "new age" therapist. made tons of money and in a matter of no time at all am reduced to homelessness and debt. I know the constable on a personal level. Judgments, no job, can't really get one. The freaking head hunters will just garnish my checks. I don't really care about moving on much. Other than my children, and I have a gift that I can't deny those that seek me out that I'm on a mission to expose my insurance company. Not that they are much different from others on some points, but They are the ones that I have personal revenge for. I research them almost daily. I know all the sub companies they use and ....Though they are very good at giving the run around. I've figured them out. every "place" they tell me to go...there are 3 they say they cover. I call everyone one of them several times even. I say the name of the company and they all have a pet name for them. Devil of the industry MHnot Can't remember off the top of my head....but was told by this one that a man would have heart attacks when he went through opiate withdrawals and they still wouldn't pay. They pass the buck level one to level 4 at level 4 they say well it's the institutions fault that I went to who gave me a drug that shouldn't be on the market anymore. who diagnosed me as bipolar after spending a total of an hr with me....um pi polar is the most common diagnosis these days...It's the drug companies that "teach" the doctors about the medications and what to look for...they want there product to sell. so, Doc M says ohh you have all these related symptoms...related to what? the pamphlet the bipolar industry gave you? anyway, I "m in no state of mind to care. Do your worst doc M! without flinching he does. so after, I slowly start to wake up from what was indescribable. I begin my research...what in hell is this all about... Doc M says...well really it's the pharmacy that's at fault they should have caught the interaction So, I go to the pharmacist and begin to ask questions. He looks up on what he calls the best in the industry computer cross reference program. That doesn't, cross reference all the medication together but one at a time. I ask to see what it says and notice that the zoloft company wrote the interaction reference that was a single paragraph long. I tell the pharmacist, who is young and just beginning. How important he is to the industry. I hope you help to change this failure of a system. Drug companies are to blame for all of this...it trickles down to doctors and insurance companies who actually get paid to sell all these new chemicals that in 3 years will go from safe and non addictive w/little side effects to the cause of many human failures. class action lawsuits begin, but it's too late they make sure they are covered. They made billions using human ginipigs. The industry is so huge and makes so much money the gov wants us to be sick. they make a "killing" off our ignorance. I've never put a drug in my mouth I hadn't research for myself for this very reason. I start at the drug site it's self and then look for independent Ph.D. research...knowing this person had no money to gain by speaking the truth. I then look for human patient personal experience what happens most often that The drug companies say are rare. How do these drug companies come to the conclusion of what's considered mast often and rare....well they set up a study with poor desperate people who they PAY us 10-100 subjects for a short term period of about 1-3 mo. if 3 out of a hundred have rare side effects.... that is only 3%... now mind you many of these drugs impair your ability toknow what you are experiencing at all. but on a large scale even if 3% is true. and the number of patients using this drug becomes lets just say 10,000 which is rather small. 3,300 people. Now this would only be true...IF they were only taking the one drug...it doesn't include how the person eats sleeps, what they drink, how their life is and it isn't required by the FDA to use such a demographic ... the information is guess work at best just to get it out their. Now understand that with mathematics we have a great system that can prove absolutely anything to be true. And they do. and we are the animals they use to do it. Especially with mind altering drugs. It's impossible to know from an animal what is accruing in the thought process, what it feels like, in what ways it has change how they view the world. and something more frightening than all of this is that they have no clue how it really works on the brain, what nuro pathways the substance goes through and where exactly it ends up. The big picture In the united states alone nearly 100% of all Americans are on some type of ssri....without even knowing it this is true. The chemicals they use to "purify our water acts as an ssri, If you are so unlucky to have fluoride which isn't good for you to swallow...and the fluoride that is used is a byproduct of the fertilizer industry. Fluoridate. Canada for instance banned the use of fluoride in the water when they began to see that it was causing flourosis in young children, causing, brittle bones in the older population, reduced IQ, and acts as an ssri. The fact that fluoride is in my watersuply is devastating...they call it 1part per billion. this means nothing when you use it to water our vegetables, give it to the animals we eat, drink any store bought drink . 1 coke and some fruit ... you have just exceeded your fluoride intake by 110% that is in the average human! Think about new borns who use formula, that usually has some level of fluoride in the powder its self mix it with tap water and you new borns brain, teeth and nerv-system is being damaged...sometimes causing autism. If you go to your doctor you can have fluoride drops prescribed which makes fluoride a medication, if ingested. It is against my and your rights to medicate the water. not to mention the lithium and mercury levels found in the water. Which act as ssri's and also reduces IQ. Now why would our government do or allow such a thing........ well, this is only a tiny piece of the big picture it's all about money which is power. This nation was built by the poor and so called mid class system that was cleverly put into place during James town. This is the result. Consumerism, mind control through TV and FEAR. if they keep us in a constant sate of fear, then we the people will not act on our right to take back control of our freedom. Any way I could go on all day. If you read this and dislike it and have some kind of proof to back your claims, then by all means do so. If you are just going tosay no it's not true, then...don't bother writing to me. If you are offended ... well sorry you feel that way. If you are curious look it up for yourself. This is a journal entry. I don't feel compelled to give any references. It's not that hard to get this info...right here on the web...even see pic of children with florosis. I'll give you this much....Japan has the most comprehensive and up to date continued research on the subject of fluoride. As far as consumerisim. look up bacons rebellion and look for how the class system started. You'll then see how "race" began. And how we continue as poor to mid class people make the rich powerful. by funding their dream of world domination. sigh.. Accidents happen everyday ... who pays? We do. sub note. a water supply in my state UTAH had an accident! the fluoride was somehow released in huge quantities into the system...they drained it into a near by mountain river, which people here are most happy to have in Utah. this killed the fish, the animals that drank from it and the dogs that went to a park just for them which has a pond that the river flows through. many pets have died and no warnings were placed for the pet owners. and then their are the people who drank this concentrate..... what is wrong with chemical drugs in the water? I don't know you tell me Namast'e and a happy day to you all! by LadySmitten "waiting for the patriate act to come take me away" |
| A wonderful earful of man hating female songs you'd think a man would write. I have to think, man, I feel just like this. Pissed at all the men I know. I'm not a lesbian, and actually dislike women more than men. I do like to play with them, but..... they are way too naggy and like to gosip and talk about..... I have no idea what. Men, boys have always been the majority of my friends. However, they always have this "I wanna get a piece thing" which I do understand....they are MEN after all. But relationships with them, the kind that includes that piece. I am a passionate person, and love a passionate man with no inhibitions. But it's always a short lived romance followed by a long lived friendship, jaded in many ways. I'm the one that usually sets off the bombs. I'm a Queen B I like things my way when and where I want it...yet I'm really practical and sweet and sometimes shy... I'm a contradiction. Don't spend 150 on some roses that never bloom and wilt in a few days.... pick me flowers from the vally, your back yard, give me a dandilion. I love them. ..... picky I am, hard to please. but simplicity pleases, and so does attention. anyway miss harvey cheers to "50ft queenie" and the 3 other versions "of man size"... penis envy, nope. I don't think so, I think her's is truely 50ft long |
| Don't have much to say really. I mean my day has been crap, but I feel ok about that. Odd, I know. I mean my a hole for an ex husband...who I live with...kinda... is a complete ignorant fool. I really just want to chop off his head and put it on a stick, then roast it over a nice hot fire and feed it to the dogs. I know that isn't very nice, but I do imagine doing this to him, and strange as it may seem, I'm really happy while I dreamily see this in my head..... I guess mabe it's better to imagine than do it....but is that true... I mean, if I enjoy this so much in my mind I can't imagine how wonderfully fullfilling it might actually be........yes I know. I have one word for him selfishevildecievinglyingfakeobsessiveselfishegotisticaljerk. sorry I tried. ahhhhhh |
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