Savory

Savory
By: Pete Crigler

         (The setting: a small café on the upper west side of New York where two people, Joe Hopper and Herb Rose, friends for years and working-class are sitting in a booth discussing various aspects of life. Joe is mild-mannered, soft spoken and shows concern for his friends and all mankind. Herb is boisterous, a womanizer and a lifelong drunk and has to speak with a voice box due to losing his voice due to an eternity of smoking.)

Scene 1:
Joe: Herb, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a while.
Herb: Going pretty good Joe, wanna grab a seat?

Joe: Sure.

(Sitting down at a booth, they begin to catch up when a waitress walks to the table and asks their order.)

Waitress: What’ll it be?

Joe: I’ll have coffee and bagels.

Herb: I’ll have tea and cupcakes.

Waitress: Coming right up.

Herb: So Joe what’s been going on with you?

Joe: All tons of shit. First, I got a divorce about a year ago and then the next day, the witch killed herself by autoerotic asphyxiation. So obviously I got custody of the kids. Then after about a month they decided to live with their grandmother who was a diagnosed schizophrenic.

Herb: Why didn’t the kids want to stay with you?

Joe: They believe I had something to do with their mother’s death so they don’t trust me. So anyway after my mother tried to kill my son because she thought he was an ancient warlock, they had no choice but to live with me. Then the company I was working for, The Bazooka Dooka Hicka Hocka Hookah Insurance Agency shut down and I was reduced to working as a clerk at a Days Inn.

Herb: Sounds tough, I don’t know how the hell anyone would have gotten through all that.

Joe: Hell, that’s not even the end of it. After some months at home, my son decided he wanted to be what the kids refer to as Goth. He dyed his hair black and began slitting his wrists because he wanted to know what it felt like to bleed. I didn’t understand, so I sent him to a home for depressed youth. Less than 24 hours later, I got word that he’d slit his wrists again. But this time the cut was too deep and he bled to death. When I told my daughter, she was so devastated that she decided to run away. I haven’t seen her since and I think she’s either dead or a prostitute.

Herb: Damn that’s a shame.

Joe: Yeah I know but what can you do. Anyway, how’s life been for you?

(Sitting back in the chair, Herb sighs and begins to reminisce.)

Herb (in mournful tone): Well, you know how I majored in management at college? Well, I decided to start managing bands. One of the first bands I took on was an emo band called My Parents Hate Me. After their first album, Look At My Bloody Wrists and the first single, “We’re So Depressed We Have to Sing About It” they fired me. I then got married and settled down to become a businessman. After we lost a child to SIDS, we both became depressed but managed to pull ourselves together and eventually had another child and we’ve never been happier. We live in a nice house and I don’t have to do shit anymore so why wouldn’t I be happy.

Waitress: Here’s your drinks and snacks. I’ll be back in a bit with the bill.

Herb: Thanks doll. (Gives her a pinch on the thigh.)

Scene 2

(Herb and Joe are still sitting at the booth while life goes on around them, the smell of stale bagels and cold coffee in the air. The waitress looks at Herb.)

Waitress: What was that for?

Herb: I’m sorry. We were just sitting here talking and all these memories came back in my mind and I guess I just realized I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was. So I thought, pretty naively, it turned out, that if I gave you a firm pinch that maybe you would want to sleep with me or something. I have no idea why I thought it would work or even why it was a good idea but I’m sorry.

Waitress: I kind of understand where you’re coming from but I’m still torn about whether I should file charges.

Herb: Maybe if I give you a little something extra, it’ll change your mind. (Hands her an envelope containing $2,000.)

Waitress: Wow, this is the most I’ve ever seen but because of your audacity to try and hush me up, I’m definitely going to file charges. (Walks away, muttering to herself.)

Joe: What the fuck just happened. Less than five minutes ago, you were telling me that you were happy and content and now you’re going to be hit with a sexual assault lawsuit.

Herb: I don’t know what came over me. I thought I was happy but thinking about the lost infant, I guess some repressed thoughts came to the forefront and I decided to do something to get my mind off of it. (Starts sobbing.) I need help!

Joe: (Sighs and rolls his eyes.) Dude, just chill out and relax. What you need to do is think about pleasant thoughts and for the love of God, do not tell your wife because this calm and pleasant life you’ve worked so hard for will immediately be destroyed.

Herb: I know but I just don’t know what to do. I’m alone and nobody hears me. 1

Scene 3

(Still sitting in the booth, Herb’s wife, a domineering beast of a woman walks in, goes over to their booth and begins talking to Herb.)

Joann: What is this I hear about you pinching a waitress, Herbie?

Herb: It was nothing honey. Joe and I were just catching up and I mentioned our deceased infant and this wave of emotion came over me and to get myself over it, I guess I thought I could get the waitress to sleep with me. Isn’t that right Joe? (Silently kicks him under the table.)

Joe: Dammit man! That hurt but all I wanna know right now is why the hell you’re trying to get me into this. It was you who decided to throw a pass at the waitress, not me.

Herb: (sobbing) I don’t know man. I tried to see the sunshine and I tried to feel the rain but I just couldn’t keep it together. 2 Joanie, I’m sorry! I don’t know why I did this but I know I’m going to pay.

Joann: You sure as hell are. As soon as we get home, I might castrate you. I don’t know, we’ll just have to see.

(Joe and Herb lean over the table and start whispering to each other.)

Herb: I don’t know what I’m going to do. Do you mind if I tag along with you?

Joe: What the hell are you thinking? Do you think I want that crazy bitch following me too? Think again.

Herb: I don’t know where to go. You’ve got to help me.

Joe: (in regular tone) Dude, you need to go and tell the police. If you want to have any real chance of surviving, you need to tell the cops. Now I know this will probably involve turning yourself in but if you want any chance of coming out of this alive, I think it’s the best thing to do.

Herb: No way in hell!

Joe: Then you’re not coming with me.

Herb: Damn it all to hell!

Joann: Let’s go Herb.

(Suddenly Herb darts out of the café and starts running down the street, Joann hot on his heels.)

Scene 4

(Herb is running down the street and Joe is paying the bill in the café.)

Joe: (thinking aloud) What the hell am I going to do now. There’s no way I’m running after him but I don’t really have other options. (running outside) Taxi! (A taxi comes up and he hops inside.) Follow that crazy guy running down the sidewalk.

Cabbie: Are you sure?

Joe: Do you wanna get any money or not?

Cabbie: O.K. So if we catch up to him what do we do?

Joe: I have no idea. Just let me think for a few. You can start running the meter now if you want.

(Herb and Joann are running as fast as they can down the sidewalk. Herb is ahead but Joann is hot on his heels.)

Herb: What the hell do you want from me Joann? I already said I was sorry. All I know is if I had a little telegraph tapping in my brain, it would tap out Morse code I love you but the words get stuck in my throat. 3

Joann: Well it must’ve been extremely easy to say what you said to the waitress!

Herb: That was a low blow dammit; can’t you cut a guy a break?

Joann: No! I want to see you get some kind of punishment. Let’s not forget, this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this and blamed it on reoccurring memories of our deceased infant.

Cabbie: They’ve come to a stop at the end of the park. Do you wanna get out now?

Joe: Yeah. Here’s $10, keep the change.

(The cab drives off and Joe races to catch up with Joann and Herb.)

Joe: Herb, slow down!

(Herb, not looking where he’s going runs full speed into a city bus, knocking himself out.)

Joe: Now look what you’ve done you stupid bitch. If you hadn’t been chasing him, he wouldn’t have done this to himself.

Joann: Oh so now it’s my fault all of a sudden. I’m not sure if you’ve forgotten but during the course of the relationship, he has sodomized a babysitter, slept with numerous prostitutes, has beaten me in front of our child and has assaulted me so many times, I’ve had to have over a dozen trips to the plastic surgeon to cover it all.

Joe: I had no idea all this shit was going on. Had I known, you can bet I would’ve disassociated myself from him years ago.

Joann: You should have but this is partly my fault because I neglected to tell anyone for fear that I would be beaten again or potentially killed.

(Herb wakes up and rolls around on the ground while Joann laughs at him.)

Joann: You know what; I think it’s time we get a divorce.

Joe: You know that’s something you should’ve said about six years ago!

Joann: Shut up asshole, you’re not helping matters!

Herb: Now that I know where I am, I’m thinking clearly again. For starters, whore, I don’t think I want to get a divorce. But I know since I’ve drawn up my will, I know you’re gonna wanna get a piece of the properties I own as well as a slice of my money but I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution.

Joann: What the hell are you talking about?

Joe: Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

Herb: What I’m talking about is an end to all this bullshit. I know that if I get a divorce, I’ll lose some cash but I have a feeling that I’ll end up falling in love again. But I know that even if the relationship is going absolutely perfect, I will probably hit on another waitress, possibly grope her and I just don’t want that to happen to other poor women. So I’ve decided there’s no way to pull myself up from the hole I dig4, so I’ve decided to take care of everything.

Joe: Don’t do whatever it is you’re planning on doing.

Joann: Go on, I don’t care.

Herb: Well, alright! I will.

Scene 5

(Herb, Joann and Joe are standing in the middle of the street with traffic whizzing by them when Herb slowly starts moving toward the cars.)

Joann: What the hell are you doing!

(Suddenly, Herb gets hit by a VW.)

Herb: Hey, I’m still alive. What’s the deal?

Joe: Holy shit, he’s trying to kill himself. (Rushing over to a passerby.) Call the police!

(Herb keeps walking only to get hit by a Volvo.)

Joann: Good! You should’ve done this long ago!

Herb (thinking to himself): Hey angel, fly over and bless me. 5

(Just as Herb tries to get up again, he gets flattened by a tractor-trailer. He doesn’t get up this time.)

Joe: Herb!!!!!

Joann: Oh my God, I can’t believe he did it.

Trucker: Am I gonna get arrested? Look at what this asshole did to my truck!

(One cop comes rushing across the street and starts shutting it down.)

Cop: What exactly happened here?

Joe: Well my friend was having trouble with his wife, thought he was gonna get arrested for sexual assault and decided he was going to kill himself. So he got hit by a VW, survived and then got hit by a Volvo and survived that. Then he got hit by this tractor-trailer and that’s obviously what killed him.

Joann: Now I know what he was talking about when he said that I wasn’t going to get any money. I just remembered that we signed a prenup and because Herb was already wealthy when we got married, that means I walk away with what I came in with. Damn that son of a bitch!

Joe: That’s all you ever cared about was the money, wasn’t it?

Joann: Yeah, but I mean do you think I even give a shit about this dead guy lying in the road like a flapjack? Well do ya?

Joe: You should because you have a kid with him, that and he was my best friend.

Joann: Best friend!?! You guys met up today for the first time in fifteen years and had never spoken during that break. I think you’re acting a bit too emotional about all this.

Joe (sobbing): Come on that’s low. I know you hated him but don’t call me emotional when all you’re bitching about is the damn money!

Cop: OK, folks we need to stop the bickering and clear the way so the coroner can come in and start cleaning everything up.

(Reporters start showing up and race over to Joann.)

Reporter #1: Ma’am, what are you going to do with your husband’s body?

Joann: Nothing, I think I’ll just let the city take care of it.

Reporter #2: Miss, we’ve just learned that the waitress is going to be suing your husband’s estate. Do you have any comment?

Joann: All I know is that I should have killed him when I had a chance years ago.

1 “Alone” by Suicidal Tendencies
2. “Gypsy Pilot” by Rick Nelson
3. “The Words Get Stuck in My Throat” by Devo
4. “Hole” by Jimmie’s Chicken Shack
5. “Savory” by Jawbox