Justin's Time

Janet sat up straight in bed to better catch her breath. A pain shot through her forehead and she pinched the bridge of her nose to assuage the throbbing. Something is going to happen to Darren she thought. She glanced at the clock. It was 4:44 am.
* * *
“Yoo hoo! Incoming.”

Janet recognized Kristi’s familiar entrance. “I’m out back trying to make this yard look Eastery!”

“I dropped the berries off in the kitchen,” Kristi said as she came through the back sliding doors. Wow, look at you with your hair back. Very cute. I can see you face.”

“Yes and my birthmark.”

“You hardly notice it. Looks like someone kissed you and left a lipstick imprint.”

“That’s what my mom used to say. She kissed me and left a pink heart on my forehead.”

Kristi smiled at Janet. She knew how sensitive she was about the birthmark. “You need some new flowers out here. These are in sad shape.”

“I know. They all drooped yesterday. Maybe tomorrow they’ll resurrect. Could be a sign,” Janet laughed nervously trying to shake her sense of doom.

Kristi inserted a paprika-sprinkled deviled egg into her mouth. “You and your signs.” Pragmatic Kristi could not conceive of anything that she couldn’t see.

“Why don’t you take those two plants sitting on the bench? You can bring them back to life.”

“OK. I’ll call Darren and have him pick up some flowers on his way over. He’s bringing more folding chairs and then we can drag your table outside.” A shiver ran though Janet at the mention of Darren’s name. Janet sighed wistfully wondering how Kristi and Darren’s marriage endured. Darren was such a dreamer and Kristi was as organized as an air traffic controller.

“Great. Justin should be home by then to help.”

“OK. See you. Darren will be here any minute but I’ve got to go to the bakery.”

After Sharon left Janet heard Darren’s familiar knock.

“Hi. Sharon just left.”

“I’m surprised she left us alone. She’s seems suspicious lately.”

Janet silently uttered a prayer of thanksgiving for this or any time alone with Darren. Janet hadn’t detected an ounce of suspicion.

Darren sat the chairs against the wall and walked to Janet and gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek. She turned her lips to his. Darren gave the door a shove and hungrily kissed Janet their bodies melding into one. He stopped, hesitated, then raised Janet’s blouse over her head revealing her ample breasts. He unhooked her bra as Janet kissed his shoulders. He led her to the couch. She reclined pulling him with her.

***

Janet peeled potatoes in one long slice, skin dangling like a bandage removed from a broken arm. She gazed out of the window looking for her son Justin to walk up the sidewalk. She knew she was taking chances. Her curly hair wadded up in a ponytail and baggy sweatshirt wet with splotches of various ingredients portended a day of cooking. Keeping everyone happy was exhausting but that was better than spending a holiday alone anticipating.

Holidays were a signal to the universe to balance out expectations. She recalled Christmas last year, when her father had a heart attack. He was ok now but and she still stiffened at the sound of a siren. When she was a little girl of eight, her mom had died of cancer on Valentine’s Day. Since that day, she wore her hair to hide her heart shape kiss. She no longer had her mother to tell her the birthmark was a special kiss.

Then there was the 4th of July cookout that she and her husband, Ron, hosted. Children roughhoused on the back lawn while adults flipped burgers and sipped beer. Janet and Darren, carrying condiments and covered dishes to the back yard, exchanged a brief whisper in the hallway. To any onlooker there was nothing telling in their exchange. To Ron, their intimacy was as unmistakable as a neon sign overhead. Ron, already suspicious, knew that they were lovers.

The loss of her marriage left Janet sad but the loss of Darren left her hollow. Ron would forgive devil worshipping, but an affair with Darren was unforgivable. Now being near Darren had to be enough.

“This holiday would be different.” She said a prayer trying to influence the universe with her optimism. Besides, she thought, what else could happen? Her son, David, was back home from rehab and had a girlfriend. She, Darren and Kristi were planning Easter with friends. Janet counted her blessings. After all, Darren was still in her life.

***
The following morning the phone woke Janet. Who’s calling at 4:44 she thought as her head started to clear? Easter. It could be Justin. Wait. Justin was back home from rehab. Janet stiffened, suddenly alert as she reached for the phone. A holiday!

“Mrs. Bennet?” a stranger’s voice asked.

“Yes,” She answered nervously.

“Is your son’s name Justin?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry to inform you that Justin has been killed. He was in a street fight and . . . “

Janet’s barely audible moan rose to a piercing scream, aborting the conversation. “Noooo!” she screeched as she sunk to the floor.

***
In the days following the death of her son, Janet watched for Justin to walk through the door. She closed her eyes and heard his voice. She saw his face in every young person offered condolences. She prayed for messages from her son. She cried. She searched the heavens hoping to find out why. She cleaned, washed windows and walked sleeplessly without a schedule.

“Justin!” Janet cried out. The phone rang. “Hello,” she apprehensively answered. No answer. “Justin is that you?” she demanded. She looked at the clock. It was 4:44. The lights flickered in the living room. She saw 4:44 everywhere – on the microwave, the computer, but bus route. When radio announced the time the morning of Justin’s funeral, Janet lept out of bed and jumped up and down joyously, “Justin, I hear you.” It was 4:44:44 the broadcaster announced. She had never heard the time announced with the seconds included. She had to record this. She started to write.

***
After the funeral, Kristi and Darren escorted Janet to their home for a reception and to greet well-wishers. Friends filled the table and side-board with food. Kristi and Darren tried to keep Janet calm as the guests ate, drank and cried but she was as restless as a charged particle. She sank into the couch and piston-like popped up to do something but seemed to forget what. Memories of Justin played like a movie behind her eyes no matter who she greeted or what sort of thank you she mumbled. Kristi and Darren buttressed her as the guests offered condolences and hugs. Darren, warily watching Janet, finally ushered her into the bathroom away from the mourners and took out a joint.

“This will relax you”

“Come on. You know I don’t like that.”

“I know,” he assured her as he lit up. “But this will calm you. Don’t worry you won’t become an addict.” Janet inhaled and though she coughed with each breath, discovered he was right. She felt cottony.

When the guests left, Darren and Kristi tried to talk Janet into spending the night in the guest room. No reason to go home to an empty house but she insisted she was okay.

“I’ll drive Janet home,” Darren told Kristi. Sharon shot a quizzical look Darren’s way. You won’t be too long will you?” Darren was mute.

When they pulled into Janet’s driveway, he stopped the car and reached for Janet’s hand and kissed it. They wordlessly stared at each other for an eternity before Darren helped Janet out of the car. He knew the tough part was just beginning -- no well-wishers as a buffer from reality.

Once inside, Darren held Janet in a big bear hug.

“You are not alone.” Darren kissed her on her forehead. Janet clung to him feeling calmer.

“I know.”

“Janet. I’m so sorry.” Darren massaged Janet’s shoulders. “You can call us anytime day or night. One of us will come over. That hasn’t changed. We’re still the Three Musketeers.”

“What do you think happened to Justin? Was it drugs?”

Darren shook his head slowly. Darren stood behind Janet rubbing her shoulders but she perceived the slow shaking of his head and knew his answer was no. Justin leaned over from behind Janet and kissed her in an awkward upside down kiss. Then he circled the couch and faced Janet, pulling her to her feet and taking her face into his hands, he kissed her full on the mouth. He pulled away.

“I’d better go home.” Darren said. “I’ll call you later.”

“Ok.” Janet said sadly.

Darren adjusted his coat, opened the door then turned to her. Grief had already robbed her face of its luster. Her eyes feasted on him as he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.
***
Darren and Janet’s meetings became less frequent in the weeks following the Justin’s funeral. Their relationship of years ago had been once again interrupted. Her pain muted her sense of right and wrong and she didn’t really know what she wanted.

Questions ricocheted inside her brain. The police said Justin had attacked a couple. Why? Justin wasn’t violent. Where was his girlfriend? “Where do you think he got the coke? You knew Justin. He wasn’t violent. Was it the drugs” Janet was like an electric nail gun stuck in the “on” position.

“Janet, we don’t always get all our answers. I know he was addicted to coke.”

“You knew?”

“I knew he was addicted. I tried to talk to him but I didn’t want to lecture. I thought that would push him away.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I could have saved him.”

“Forgive me. I would have done anything to stop him.”

“Except lecture him,” Janet choked out.

“God, please forgive me.” Like a balloon expelling air, Janet collapsed on the couch and sobbed. “I spent so much time and energy with Kristi trying to get near you that I didn’t pay attention to the signs. I wasted all that time. I gave you Justin’s time. Oh, God how could I have let this happed. ”

“You did not waste that time. You were a good mother and a good friend.”

Darren looked down and added, “I often thought I could be his father.”

“You could be,” Janet whimpered. “We’ll never know for sure now. I’m being punished. I don’t have Justin and I don’t have you.”

“You’ll always have me, babe.”

“I don’t think so. It just isn’t ever going to be right. I know that. I’m paying attention now but I waited too long. You’ll never leave Kristi and I’ll never see Justin.”

Darren did not argue.