Couch Athletics - Episode 4

Another bright and wonderful spring day on the Couch Athletics compound. Ted Theodore Logan was asleep on his desk, Meek was mere inches away from him drinking heavily, Anthal doing the same only passed out in the sun. Citan becoming extremely anxious about a meeting he had to attend a month from now, and Thanatos yelling at the custodians as they cleaned his private bathroom. All was well indeed.

“Hey Hevy, so I nee-“

“Ya-hoo! Look at that cock! The big one’s mine!” HevyD shouted and cheered at the television.

A look of concern crossed Vesta’s face as he turned to face the television HevyD was so enthusiastically cheering at. He noticed two large cocks, with giant gloves over their heads, pecking at each other.

“Oh, cock fighting.” Vesta half turned back to HevyD then shot another glare at the television. “Cock fighting?! What the hell are you watching this for?!”

“Sorry Vesta, just watchin’ a video my son made.” HevyD replied nonchalantly.

“Your son? You don’t have a son!”

“Sure I do! I just got him!” HevyD reached under his desk and pulled out a small child roughly around the age of seven or eight. “I named him Ling-Ling after that panda bear in that cartoon!”

“Ling-Ling? He’s not even asian!”

“What?! Now wait just a minute, just because a child is black doesn’t mean he can’t be asian?!”

“He looks Mexican!”

“Will you!” HevyD scolded Vesta and clamped his hands over the child’s ears. “Don’t you use that word! Bad enough that the I-talians are giving him a hard time at school. The last thing he needs is a reminder of his heritages problems with the holocaust and that potato famine they were having!”

Vesta blinked twice, then promptly left the room rubbing his temples chanting “I will not kill him, I will not kill him, I will not kill him.”

HevyD cocked an interested look at Vesta then looked down at the child.

“The hel l are you anyway?”

“I’m three quarters of everything!” the child replied happily.

“That’s muh boy!” HevyD beamed. “C’mon, let’s go get you some action!”

HevyD and Ling-Ling walked down to the harem on the 104th floor of the Couch Athletics primary building. There were many women in the harem, all seeking to please their lord and master, HevyD. However, none seemed interested in pleasing his small child, Ling-Ling.

“The hell is wrong with you gals?! You go nuts for my…..stuff! And you don’t even pay attention to Ling-Ling?”

“HevyD!” Piped up the headmistress. “We cannot touch him, he is only eight years old!”

“Well why the hell not? I adopted him!”

“Yes, but we would get thrown in jail, it’s illegal.”

“Well hell honey, most of what we do around here is illegal, hell technically you’re slaves for what I’m paying you!”

The whores all glared at HevyD.

“And I mean slaves because you guys work so hard for the great money you earn!” HevyD smiled at his cover-up. “Yes, that’ll do nicely. C’mon Ling-Ling, let’s go take you to a woman that will really enjoy your company, and leave these women of loose moral fiber.”

Hevy and Ling-Ling went all the way down to the 30th floor where HevyD had a large indoor beach put in. As they entered, they both immediately stripped down to reveal that they were both wearing swim trunks as underwear. Throwing on a pair of sunglasses each, which by the way appeared out of nowhere, they found two nice comfy chairs by the pool to rest.

“Ya see, Ling-Ling, I pay all these women here to play volleyball in bikinis by the pool all day. They come in for 8 hours, and just bounce all around for money! Kinda sounds whorey huh?”

“Yes father.”

“Atta boy!”

They both enjoyed the sight, and even though it was very bright in the room, Hevyd fell asleep.

Several hours later HevyD woke up. It was dark outside but the room was still daylight, a different set of volleyball players was in the pool playing.

“Well hot damn. I need to come down here more often after 7, these ones got big boobies!”

He put back on his t-shirt and jeans and headed back up to his office. He was down the hallway when he
noticed lights flickering in his office.

“Well that’s weird. Porn screen saver usually turns off after 2 hours.”

“Ahha! Go! Into my bank account! Screw this company haha!” Ling-Ling declared happily.

“Wha?! No wait a gosh durn minute hur! What the hell is it you think you’re doing?!” HevyD screamed at his child.

“Your money is mine, fat boy! I just liquidized all of this company’s assets, then sold it on ebay, I also sold Ted! What’re you going to do now?!”

“Something I knew from the moment I met you, I was going to have to do!”

HevyD ripped off his clothing to reveal a sumo wrestling suit, confusing anyone who paid attention during the pool scene.

“C’mere you lil’ critter! Let’s wrastle!”

Ling-Ling hopped off HevyD’s chair and ran around HevyD and into the hallway. HevyD fell over himself trying to catch him. Ling-Ling ran all over the office trying to escape HevyD, and he finally just got out of sight.
“Help me! Help me!” he screamed as he jumped on Anthal’s desk.

“Oop! Eight year old Mexican kid jumped on the desk, you know what that means!” Anthal said as he reached into his desk for a bottle of alcohol.

“Yep!” Meek replied happily as he put his shot glass down on the desk(which is actually a big gulp from 7-eleven) “Tequila time!”

“No you morons! HevyD is trying to kill me!”

“Wouldn’t be the first time, Hevyd even killed me once but Vesta brought me back to life, said it was some invention he was going to use to get rich and be able to leave this company.” Meek said.

“Yeap! Once Hevy found out he stole it and sold it on his own. Gave Vesta a nice bonus though. Vesta came home and his wife had implants, they had a new pool, 3 stories added onto his house, and four new cars.” Anthal exclaimed while drinking.

“So you guys won’t help me?” Ling-Ling asked pathetically.

“Nope! You should try Vesta though, that guy helps cancerous puppies that can’t control their bladders.” Meek said guzzling down tequila. “Thanks for hopping on the desk though, we couldn’t decide what to drink!”
“I’m asian douchebags!” Ling-Ling replied.

Meek and Anthal looked at each other. “Break out the Sake!” They said happily and Anthal reached into his desk again.

“Argh!” Ling-Ling cried out and ran from the room. He fled out of the room and went straight to Vesta’s office.

“Oh great, what did Hevy send you in here to do? Muffle up my papers? Harass me about not cheating on my wife? Tell me to work harder?!” Vesta threw the papers on his desk into the air and stormed around his desk. “What the hell do you want?!”

Ling-Ling stopped right in front of the open door with fear in his eyes. “No, you don’t understand. HevyD thinks I stole money from the company and tried to sell it. I was just making it up, I wanted to make papa happy. I just wanted to make papa proud of me! All this was for him, to make him think I was as strong and cut throat as he was! I need help! I just want to get out of here alive and live of my wonderful dreams, my dreams of becoming a DJ at a strip club! Please, you have to help me!”

“Wow, I didn’t realize this spawn of HevyD, that was adopted so not really spawn, but still, I didn’t think any child of HevyD’s could have actual feelings, and dreams. Maybe you’re not so terrible, maybe you can lead a long fulfilling li-“

“Gotcha!” HevyD cried out just as he crushed Ling-Ling under his weight.




Vesta was patting HevyD’s back as he sobbed like a little girl on Vesta’s shoulder while the priest talked of Ling-Ling’s many accomplishments.

“We are gathered here today in the sight of God and this cemetery to join these two lovers in holy matrimony. Death, do you take Ling-Ling, to have and to hold, forever and ever, til purgatory do you part?”

There was no answer, only HevyD sobbing relentlessly.

“And now, we light this mountain of teddy bears, which Ling-Ling is laying upon, and hope that it burns him up into ashes, and into this grave.” The priest said as he set fire to the mountain of teddy bears.

“It’s what he would’ve wanted.” HevyD said through his tears.

HevyD dropped a rose on the fire, and then started to walk away, Vesta in tow.